The Boston Celtics v. Mole-People Referee Masseuses

Bah. This laziness must be overcome. It’s not like there isn’t anything to write about. For one thing, the Celtics pulled off a 4-2 series win over the Magic. The win is impressive if you were actually nervous the Magic stood a chance to catch up. All the same, Boston did have reason to be anxious. While difficult to pull off, these against the wall rallies have happened, once by Boston (the Sox-Yanks 2004 playoffs, which led to the biggest choke in baseball history) and another to Boston (the Bruins being the Bruins).

Johnny Damon’s No-Winn Situation

Four years after leaving his post at the Red Sox for a shave and a haircut in New York, it looks like Johnny Damon is going to be hitting up careerbuilder.com pretty soon. Damon was allegedly offered $14 million by the Yanks for another two years, but the formerly bearded one turned it down in … Continue reading

Papelbon’s Brain, Self Confirmed to be Separate Entities – AP

    Fresh off the wire. Red Sox closer and Mississippian Jonathan Papelbon’s brain exists as a separate entity from his body. This was first revealed (reviled?) during an interview with ESPN’s Gordon Edes. When asked about a new contract with Boston Papelbon stated, “Heck yeah, as far as what me and my brain are thinking.” … Continue reading

Red Sox to sell Mike Lowell as a Mail Order Husband – Reuters

    After being returned to the Red Sox from the Texas Rangers, a Connecticut family, the San Fransisco Giants, The Wu Tang Clan, and most recently Scott Boras Corp., the Red Sox have successfully moved Mike Lowell via the website: mailorderhusbands.net/order/ The Red Sox will be picking up Lowell’s full salary, but will be receiving a check … Continue reading

GM Theo Epstein Seduced by the ‘Dark Side’ – AP Reports

When reached for comment Dustin Pedroia screamed while looking vaguely like a chipmunk, “That’s not true! That’s impossible!” Pedroia then searched his feelings and found it to be true.

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds' Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds’ Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox trade Lowell to Phillies for Cheesesteak, Condiment to be named later – AP Reports

    [Boston, MA – 12/23/2009] – Red Sox Sources confirm that Mike Lowell has been, at last, shipped to the City of Brotherly Love for a package that finally, in the words of assistant GM Ben Cherington, represents “fair return value for a productive veteran player and clubhouse leader.” According to the particulars of … Continue reading

A-Rod = PED [Performance Enhanced ‘Droid]

[[Editors Note: by way of an inexplicable string of what can only be described as technical “snafu’s” this piece by your correspondent “Hank Baron” was originally published by me, the aforementioned editor, and man’s best friend: The Venuist.  Sorry for the confusion and for the wait.]] A-Rod’s repaired right hip is doing fine, according to reports. This … Continue reading

A-Rod = PED [Performance Enhanced 'Droid]

 [[Editors Note: by way of an inexplicable string of what can only be described as technical “snafu’s” this piece by your correspondent “Hank Baron” has been published by me, the aforementioned editor, and man’s best friend: The Venuist.  Sorry for the confusion and for the wait.]] A-Rod’s repaired right hip is doing fine, according to reports. This … Continue reading