Red Sox Mike Lowell: newly 'Lost'? – AP Reports

After having spent several months attempting to ship Mike Lowell to any professional ball club this side of the Nippon Pro League, the Boston Red Sox announced today that they have an agreement in place with the Producers of ABC’s ‘Lost’. In exchange for the undead (see: possessed) body of John Locke the Red Sox … Continue reading

Red Sox to Trade Lowell to NBC Late Night for Conan O’Brien – AP Reports

[[Burbank, CA – 1/12/2010]] In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed in principal to send Mike Lowell to the West Coast Headquarters of NBC/Universal in exchange for Conan O’Brien and the rights to “The Tonight Show” name. News of the agreed transaction broke today in the form of a … Continue reading

Papelbon’s Brain, Self Confirmed to be Separate Entities – AP

    Fresh off the wire. Red Sox closer and Mississippian Jonathan Papelbon’s brain exists as a separate entity from his body. This was first revealed (reviled?) during an interview with ESPN’s Gordon Edes. When asked about a new contract with Boston Papelbon stated, “Heck yeah, as far as what me and my brain are thinking.” … Continue reading

Red Sox to sell Mike Lowell as a Mail Order Husband – Reuters

    After being returned to the Red Sox from the Texas Rangers, a Connecticut family, the San Fransisco Giants, The Wu Tang Clan, and most recently Scott Boras Corp., the Red Sox have successfully moved Mike Lowell via the website: mailorderhusbands.net/order/ The Red Sox will be picking up Lowell’s full salary, but will be receiving a check … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Mike Lowell plus $9M to Scott Boras for Adrian Beltre – AP

    [BASEBALL UNIVERSE, CA] The Baseball Universe was rocked yet again today by the announcement that the Boston Red Sox had agreed to trade Mike Lowell and his expiring contract to self-styled “super-agent” – and destroyer of worlds – Scott Boras.  Scott Boras is located somewhere in California we think so that will mean not … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Wu Tang Clan for Ghostface Killah, & a drumloop to be named – AP

“This is just getting ridiculous”, a stunned Mike Lowell said after being informed by his agent that he had been traded from the Boston Red Sox to the Wu Tang Clan for Ghostface Killah and a 4/4 beat to be named later. On becoming the newest member of the Wu Tang Clan, Lowell said, “The what? Is that an expansion team? … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds’ Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds' Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox trade Lowell to Phillies for Cheesesteak, Condiment to be named later – AP Reports

    [Boston, MA – 12/23/2009] – Red Sox Sources confirm that Mike Lowell has been, at last, shipped to the City of Brotherly Love for a package that finally, in the words of assistant GM Ben Cherington, represents “fair return value for a productive veteran player and clubhouse leader.” According to the particulars of … Continue reading

The Boston Red Sox Heart Mike Lowell: A Hartford Whaler Salute!

    And today, Venuist would like to extend our “Hartford Whaler Salute to” – “The Red Sox Embarrassing String of Failures in their Attempts to Deal Mike Lowell for Value to Another Professional Baseball Club.”  [[Note: Seriously, if tomorrow, we all woke up to read that Lowell and Tazawa had been packaged together in … Continue reading