Wes Welker vs Frodo Baggins: the Committee for Who Wins Returns

Glad we’re done with all those World Cup power ranking columns. Booo-Riiiing! Are we wrong? Sure, we were head over heads in love with that particular — what was it again? riiiiight — international ’soccer’ competition while it was happening but some two weeks removed, we couldn’t tell a corner-kick from a kick in the … Continue reading

Offseason Blues: Agents, Contracts, and 2nd Chances

Feature Story: Yesterday, Pittsburgh Steelers’ quarterback Ben Roethlisberger told the media that he has been re-evaluating his lifestyle and says that he is excited to have a shot at a second chance. Though never officially charged, Roethlisberger has been accused twice of rape, which has brought great shame on his team and his family (it … Continue reading

Warren to Finish Education

New England Patriots’ defensive end Ty Warren has skipped out on the voluntary offseason training for the first time in his career, passing up on an extra $250,000 in order to attend college. He is taking classes at Texas A&M in agricultural leadership and development. Says Mr. Warren (ESPN): I try to put the kids … Continue reading

Best Scandal of 2009: A-Rod, Ramirez, Vick

If you honestly thought this was going to anyone other than Tiger Woods, I don’t really know what to say to you. The bombshell Thanksgiving revelation that everyone’s favorite athlete was sleeping with a myriad of women (including pornstar Holly Sampson) who were not his wife shook this nation to the core and made people … Continue reading

Patriots Make Bid for [an Orange] Julius, [Stuffed] Peppers – AP reports

As the greater Boston media likes to constantly remind the people of the United States, the New England Patriots may well have the hardest working staff in the National Football League (or as it’s known our many Southern friends: “Fuuht’bawl”). Sometimes the long, cold nights, which blend inevitably into dreary, grey, New England Winter mornings … Continue reading

RIP: Mosi Tatapu plows his last

Reports are coming in that former Patriots go-to guy Mosiula “Mosi” Tatupu has died at the age of 54 in Attleboro, Massachusetts. He played with the Patriots for thirteen seasons as a fullback, special teams guy, and just about anything they asked him to do because he was just that damn good. He was also … Continue reading

New England Patriots Grow Bored of “Dynasty,” Decide to Dabble in “Defeat” – AP

The aughts may have been the decade of sports dominance for New England. This decade may be the era of sucking. The Ravens soundly spanked the Patriots this weekend in a game that was actually over in the first quarter (where the score was Ravens: 27, Pats: a very, very round number). Perhaps Pats Nation … Continue reading

Colts, Jets, Patriots, & more: “Tuesday Morning Hangover; Monday Edition”

    Hiya – now do tell!   Who else is lining up with us to get our “Curtis Painter” jerseys?   [[Note: take the following elements – Peyton Manning (the renaissance master of the gridiron) and Curtis Painter (woeful and inept would-be understudy and artist-in-training) and you’ve got one hell of a smug joke.]] … Continue reading

The Indianapolis Colts v. History (i.e. the New England Patriots)

All of America – including our team here at Venuist – has been cracking jokes at poor Jim Caldwell’s expense these past few days.  We even ran a fake story comparing the Colts’ organizational caution (some would and have called it err, cowardice) against the Patriots batshit crazy play calling back in Indy in November … Continue reading

Honest, officer, I was just giving this young lady a ride home.

    As if we couldn’t get enough of the Patriots, AP is reporting that Robert Sormanti, 47, of Warwick, RI was among 14 people arrested in a sex sting. He also happens to be among the many folks to suit up as Pat Patriot, the Pats’ mascot. Most newsworthy of all is that until … Continue reading