"Why the Red Sox (sigh…) Suck": One Exile's Boston Baseball Update

[[From my outpost of exile in New York City.]] So, sure, the Mets might have won in 20, but how did those last few days of Boston sports furor feel? Sox, Celts, Bruins (see also: bears), oh my! [[Open Note to Mets’ Team Leadership Forum: if you continue to pie-in-the-face every rookie (cough Ike cough … Continue reading

Chicken Little and Big Papi: Venuing Red Sox Beat Report

Ortiz is 1 for 11 with a single RBI. The sky is falling, the roof is caving in, the plane has crashed into the mountain. Mike Lowell should take over take over at DH and the once great Ortiz should ride the pine. Please. Baseball is a game that builds on itself. Each pitch is … Continue reading

Red Sox Mike Lowell: newly 'Lost'? – AP Reports

After having spent several months attempting to ship Mike Lowell to any professional ball club this side of the Nippon Pro League, the Boston Red Sox announced today that they have an agreement in place with the Producers of ABC’s ‘Lost’. In exchange for the undead (see: possessed) body of John Locke the Red Sox … Continue reading

Red Sox to Trade Lowell to NBC Late Night for Conan O’Brien – AP Reports

[[Burbank, CA – 1/12/2010]] In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed in principal to send Mike Lowell to the West Coast Headquarters of NBC/Universal in exchange for Conan O’Brien and the rights to “The Tonight Show” name. News of the agreed transaction broke today in the form of a … Continue reading

Red Sox to sell Mike Lowell as a Mail Order Husband – Reuters

    After being returned to the Red Sox from the Texas Rangers, a Connecticut family, the San Fransisco Giants, The Wu Tang Clan, and most recently Scott Boras Corp., the Red Sox have successfully moved Mike Lowell via the website: mailorderhusbands.net/order/ The Red Sox will be picking up Lowell’s full salary, but will be receiving a check … Continue reading

Red Sox Closer Jon Papelpon is Certifiably Infreakingsane – ESPN

    Unbelievably interesting piece posted on the ESPN Boston blogs today.  You can read the redacted or full versions, depending on your preference.  I recommend the bullet points as the long version  is just one of Gordon Edes (he and Shaughnessy anchored out the old blow-hards section of Sports Section during The Boston Globe‘s … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Mike Lowell plus $9M to Scott Boras for Adrian Beltre – AP

    [BASEBALL UNIVERSE, CA] The Baseball Universe was rocked yet again today by the announcement that the Boston Red Sox had agreed to trade Mike Lowell and his expiring contract to self-styled “super-agent” – and destroyer of worlds – Scott Boras.  Scott Boras is located somewhere in California we think so that will mean not … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Wu Tang Clan for Ghostface Killah, & a drumloop to be named – AP

“This is just getting ridiculous”, a stunned Mike Lowell said after being informed by his agent that he had been traded from the Boston Red Sox to the Wu Tang Clan for Ghostface Killah and a 4/4 beat to be named later. On becoming the newest member of the Wu Tang Clan, Lowell said, “The what? Is that an expansion team? … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds' Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds’ Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading