Red Sox to Trade Lowell to NBC Late Night for Conan O’Brien – AP Reports

[[Burbank, CA – 1/12/2010]] In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed in principal to send Mike Lowell to the West Coast Headquarters of NBC/Universal in exchange for Conan O’Brien and the rights to “The Tonight Show” name. News of the agreed transaction broke today in the form of a … Continue reading

Papelbon’s Brain, Self Confirmed to be Separate Entities – AP

    Fresh off the wire. Red Sox closer and Mississippian Jonathan Papelbon’s brain exists as a separate entity from his body. This was first revealed (reviled?) during an interview with ESPN’s Gordon Edes. When asked about a new contract with Boston Papelbon stated, “Heck yeah, as far as what me and my brain are thinking.” … Continue reading

Red Sox to sell Mike Lowell as a Mail Order Husband – Reuters

    After being returned to the Red Sox from the Texas Rangers, a Connecticut family, the San Fransisco Giants, The Wu Tang Clan, and most recently Scott Boras Corp., the Red Sox have successfully moved Mike Lowell via the website: mailorderhusbands.net/order/ The Red Sox will be picking up Lowell’s full salary, but will be receiving a check … Continue reading

Red Sox Closer Jon Papelpon is Certifiably Infreakingsane – ESPN

    Unbelievably interesting piece posted on the ESPN Boston blogs today.  You can read the redacted or full versions, depending on your preference.  I recommend the bullet points as the long version  is just one of Gordon Edes (he and Shaughnessy anchored out the old blow-hards section of Sports Section during The Boston Globe‘s … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Mike Lowell plus $9M to Scott Boras for Adrian Beltre – AP

    [BASEBALL UNIVERSE, CA] The Baseball Universe was rocked yet again today by the announcement that the Boston Red Sox had agreed to trade Mike Lowell and his expiring contract to self-styled “super-agent” – and destroyer of worlds – Scott Boras.  Scott Boras is located somewhere in California we think so that will mean not … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Wu Tang Clan for Ghostface Killah, & a drumloop to be named – AP

“This is just getting ridiculous”, a stunned Mike Lowell said after being informed by his agent that he had been traded from the Boston Red Sox to the Wu Tang Clan for Ghostface Killah and a 4/4 beat to be named later. On becoming the newest member of the Wu Tang Clan, Lowell said, “The what? Is that an expansion team? … Continue reading

GM Theo Epstein Seduced by the ‘Dark Side’ – AP Reports

When reached for comment Dustin Pedroia screamed while looking vaguely like a chipmunk, “That’s not true! That’s impossible!” Pedroia then searched his feelings and found it to be true.

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds' Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds’ Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox trade Lowell to Phillies for Cheesesteak, Condiment to be named later – AP Reports

    [Boston, MA – 12/23/2009] – Red Sox Sources confirm that Mike Lowell has been, at last, shipped to the City of Brotherly Love for a package that finally, in the words of assistant GM Ben Cherington, represents “fair return value for a productive veteran player and clubhouse leader.” According to the particulars of … Continue reading