Minnesota’s ‘Hard Knocks’

This post originally on http://www.venuing.com/voices The New York Jets have their own TV show, but maybe the Minnesota Vikings are more deserving. Brett Favre’s annual retirement waffling would likely prove more suspensful and dramatic than Survivor, The Bachelorette, or even MILF Island. The roadtrip adventures of Ryan Longwell, Jared, Allen, and Steve Hutchinson would be … Continue reading

Favre Watch: Number 4 Returneth to the Northeth

The Minnesota Vikings sent a strike team composed of Steve Hutchinson, Jared Allen, and Ryan Longwell to kidnap Brett Favre and bring him up north for the 2010 campaign. “Hain’t no way Tavaris Jackson is going to be our starting QB,” said coach Brad Childress. “It just hain’t gon happen. I’d rather have the forty … Continue reading

Bill Leavy Apologizes for ‘06 Super Bowl Officiating

Since Jim Joyce’s tearful apology over a blown call that cost pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game, it’s become trendy in America for officials to apologize for their mistakes. Hell, maybe it would have become trendy for World Cup officials to apologize if Sepp Blatter didn’t have them whisked off in the middle of the … Continue reading

Offseason Blues: The NFL on MTV

The Cincinnati Bengals have just added the latest bad boy to their roster. The infamous Terrell “T.O.” Owens will join fellow dark wizards Cedric Benson, Larry Johnson, and Matt Jones on the field for the Bengals’ 2010 campaign. This was all of course orchestrated by in-house genius Carson Palmer. But possibly more interesting than the … Continue reading

2010 World Cup Football [see also: soccer] Power Rankings: The ‘Committee For Who Wins’ decides

Hey Venuers, how you doing? Still balling? Thought so… And btw, caught your breath yet? Holy mackerel, ten beers and nigh 36 hours ago, US Soccer made The Venuist entirely forget that the NBA Finals ever happened. Too bad the that Peanuts’ gang of Charlie Brown look-a-likes (see also: Slovenia) couldn’t come along for the … Continue reading

Favre Watch 2010: Longwell Speculation

Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has called in a favor from his long time friend, kicker Ryan Longwell, to heighten the drama of his imminent decision. Longwell has stated that he believes there is a fair chance Favre could actually retire, and puts the chances of him returning to him retiring squarely at 50-50. This is … Continue reading

Offseason Blues: Seizures, Debts, Twitter, and 2014!

Feature Story: The Super Bowl comes to New York (NJ)! 2014 may be the first snowy Super Bowl ever. At the very least it will be much colder than usual. Peyton Manning, king of controlled weather conditions, has endorsed the move, so it must be fair. In related news Tampa continues to bitch that they … Continue reading

The Devil's Advocate: In Defense of the Philadelphia Fanbase

This past Sunday night Pat Hickey, a Canadian sportswriter from Quebec, left the Wachovia Center after watching the Montreal Canadiens lose 6-0 to the Philadelphia Flyers, only to find his car covered in beer cans and his tires slashed. Sadly this is not an isolated event. A news broadcast team from CBC was vandalized by … Continue reading

Trading the blue and orange for orange and blue

I can’t remember the last time someone who lost The Big One being followed with such intense zeal since Sarah Palin was foisted upon the nation’s already thoroughly chafed psyche. In a move that caught everyone by surprise, the Denver Broncos drafted Tim “The Toolman” Tebow. I was taking a leak when I heard the … Continue reading

Saturday/Saturday: Another Season Gone

So yet another Premiership season is over; Chelsea emphatically crowned themselves Premiership Champions last Sunday by thumping Wigan 8-0. Man U tried in vain at home with a 4-0 win over Stoke, but the Blues results left no doubt about who is cream of the crop this year. They notably collected the Golden Boot (Drogba … Continue reading