Red Sox to Trade Lowell to NBC Late Night for Conan O’Brien – AP Reports

[[Burbank, CA – 1/12/2010]] In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed in principal to send Mike Lowell to the West Coast Headquarters of NBC/Universal in exchange for Conan O’Brien and the rights to “The Tonight Show” name. News of the agreed transaction broke today in the form of a … Continue reading

Stat of the Day! Adrian Beltre vs Carlos Beltran

This just in from our friends at The Boson Globe: Also, “Carlos Beltran and Adrian Beltre each has had 6,877 plate appearances. Beltre has 1,700 hits, Beltran has 1,705. Beltre has 348 doubles, Beltran 340. Beltran has struck out 1,086 times, Beltre 1,084 times. Beltre is a lifetime .270 hitter with 250 homers and 906 RBIs. … Continue reading

Baseball Notes from Around the Web: “The Tools of Ignorance”

[[Editor’s Note: Welcome back to Venuist’s new baseball notes column.  Sorry, we tried to get Gammons but NESN blew our bid out of the water when Jerry Remy threw in his personal “Wally: The Green Monster” beanie baby to close the deal.]] More odds than ends… Jason Bay began his long marriage of hitting warning … Continue reading

Red Sox to sell Mike Lowell as a Mail Order Husband – Reuters

    After being returned to the Red Sox from the Texas Rangers, a Connecticut family, the San Fransisco Giants, The Wu Tang Clan, and most recently Scott Boras Corp., the Red Sox have successfully moved Mike Lowell via the website: mailorderhusbands.net/order/ The Red Sox will be picking up Lowell’s full salary, but will be receiving a check … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Mike Lowell plus $9M to Scott Boras for Adrian Beltre – AP

    [BASEBALL UNIVERSE, CA] The Baseball Universe was rocked yet again today by the announcement that the Boston Red Sox had agreed to trade Mike Lowell and his expiring contract to self-styled “super-agent” – and destroyer of worlds – Scott Boras.  Scott Boras is located somewhere in California we think so that will mean not … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Wu Tang Clan for Ghostface Killah, & a drumloop to be named – AP

“This is just getting ridiculous”, a stunned Mike Lowell said after being informed by his agent that he had been traded from the Boston Red Sox to the Wu Tang Clan for Ghostface Killah and a 4/4 beat to be named later. On becoming the newest member of the Wu Tang Clan, Lowell said, “The what? Is that an expansion team? … Continue reading

GM Theo Epstein Seduced by the ‘Dark Side’ – AP Reports

When reached for comment Dustin Pedroia screamed while looking vaguely like a chipmunk, “That’s not true! That’s impossible!” Pedroia then searched his feelings and found it to be true.

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds’ Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds' Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

    [[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe … Continue reading

Red Sox trade Lowell to Phillies for Cheesesteak, Condiment to be named later – AP Reports

    [Boston, MA – 12/23/2009] – Red Sox Sources confirm that Mike Lowell has been, at last, shipped to the City of Brotherly Love for a package that finally, in the words of assistant GM Ben Cherington, represents “fair return value for a productive veteran player and clubhouse leader.” According to the particulars of … Continue reading