Favre Watch 2010: Longwell Speculation

Vikings quarterback Brett Favre has called in a favor from his long time friend, kicker Ryan Longwell, to heighten the drama of his imminent decision. Longwell has stated that he believes there is a fair chance Favre could actually retire, and puts the chances of him returning to him retiring squarely at 50-50. This is … Continue reading

Reflections from the Caribbean: Let them eat dope

This past week I was in a state of near-total lethargy. Things like this happen when you’re on a cruise. News was the heinous representation of the real world myself and 3,000 other untanned corpulent people onboard were avoiding like norovirus. The best we could do with keeping up was the big screen on the … Continue reading

Massachusetts star has sextuple double, Who did what ?

I know I was thinking who did what now, and hopefully it was consensual. I was gravely mistaken. A 16-year-old junior at Lawrence Academy in Groton, Massachusetts has recorded the first known sextuple double. A stat line that would make Lebron drool. If thats possible. Colin Cook had 28 points, 21 rebounds, 12 assists, 11 … Continue reading

The Greatest Player of All Time, In 2009: Polamalu, LeBron, Ramirez

Position: Spokesperson Team: Team LeBron LeBron James may be the best basketball player of our time, but really, who is the cornerstone of Team LeBron? Puppet LeBron has been holding that team together since its inception, and though he may not be the strongest individual player in this category, he has given the most to … Continue reading

Truest Sports Villain, 2009: …Danica Patrick?

The trickiest and most subtle of all sports villains, Danica Patrick has infiltrated our TV screens and Men’s Interest magazines with her immaculate body and unquestionable charm. Her ongoing stint as the Go Daddy Girl and continued appearances in Maxim, Playboy, etc., have won the hearts and other parts of the male population, and her … Continue reading

AVP Pro Beach Volleyball Tour to Return to ESPN

FINALLY! The AVP Pro Beach Volleyball Tour will be broadcast on ESPN2 and ABC. This is some action everyone’s gonna want to see! Laser sighted wrist guns, savage blades, stinger tails, acid blood…and beach volley ball! I don’t know what could be better. Sadly they have disallowed the use of the arm-nuke to clean up … Continue reading

Paul “Shirley, you can’t be serious”

As the crisis in Haiti wears on, the supporters of shortcuts to thinking like Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson are trickling out. And now, there’s Paul Shirley. Glancing at the title of his letter (“If You Rebuild It, They Will Come”) it’s easy to think it would be in reference to his career, but it’s … Continue reading

It’s kinda like what Jay Leno does, except I’m laughing – Meditations on “KAKA”

What is life without the pursuit of the puerile? One of my favorite soccer—ahem—fútbol players is a Brazilian man whose birth name is Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite. Said man is more commonly known as Kaká in the world of soccer. Kaká, as I’ve come to understand, is a Portuguese term of endearment for one … Continue reading

Breaking: Giant polar bear obliterates Anchorage, moon en route to Carlson Center

Venuist e-reporters have submitted video of a giant polar bear, formed in the coldest depths of space, on its way to the Carlson Center in Alaska. Armed with a hockey stick, the earthbound carnivore made no distinction between artificial or natural satellites. Along the way the pallid space mammal destroyed an unnamed planet, our moon, … Continue reading

Rush Limbaugh finally finds sports franchise he can invest in

Some stories involve bizarre sports—like Elephant Polo, Octopush, or hockey—and we laugh because these sports are kinda weird. This is not a bizarre sport. It’s basketball. Other stories we laugh at because, while they’re complete fabrications, they cut right to the bone. For example, Brett Favre (to my knowledge) did not tell Jay “The Jaw” … Continue reading