Special Guest Op-ed Contributor, Brett Favre: Why I am ‘Fun-retiring’
This article originally written by Brett Favre for www.venuing.com/voices.
How y’all doing, Favre here.
NO! It’s pronounced FAR-uvveh. Or you can call me Captain Touchdown, if you must. Or just “yo Brett!” Gotta admit, I kinda partial to “yo Brett” or like, “Your Honor”. Whatever, you get me America, we are straight.
I’d like to use this forum today — that’s the word, right? when you like hijack something for your own purposes in order to blindside people who should be in the know? — to let America, the Vikings organization, and all of the fans in Minnesota know about the decision I’ve made for my future.
First, and I just want to get this out of the way before we get really going here, anyone need a brewski? I got a minifridge of Cold Coors Light right over there, and if anyone wants one, well just let me know cuz I’m gonna grab one myself. No? No takers? How ’bout you over there? Yeah, you – blue shirt – I’m talking to you. Want to tap the rockies with ol’ Brett here? That’s what I thought! Catch. Aw, dude! You didn’t tell me you couldn’t catch. Shit man, you got suds all over your new Wranglers. That’s a party foul. Out of my garage. Right. Now. Blue shirt — get your ass out of my garage. And stay the hell away from my Tahoe on the way out.
Great, now where was I? Oh yeah, so I wanted to take the opportunity today to take this opportunity today to take the opportunity to tell everyone what my plans from the future are. Glug glug glug glug. Damn, that hits the spot. Anyways, I’ve decided NOT to return to the Vikings or the Jets or the Packers or damn, whoever it is I’m supposedly playing for at this point. And while I considered the following options of (a) retiring, (b) joining the CFL as the newest member of the Toronto Argonauts, or (c) retiring, then unretiring, and then joining the CFL as the newest member of the Toronto Argonauts, I’ve glug glug glug glug glug decided not to pursue any of those obvious courses of action.
Instead of returning or retiring and then unreturning or unretiring, I’ve decided that this year, I’m going to be “FUN-retiring!” Fun-retiring is just like retiring or unretiring except that I don’t have to do annoying shit like go to training camp and then play games where I hand the ball off to Adrian Peterson like a dozen times even though I don’t really feel like doing it even when Brad asks me real nice to. And funretiring is different also cuz I get to sit around at home drink some brews in my favorite combo of Wranglers-and-a-World’s Best Dad-t-shirt answering the phone and giving like, whoever it is who’s calling the impression that maybe Captain Touchdown might return for a stretch run to catapult like the fucking Browns or St Louis Rams some other dumbshit team to the Superbowl. Why, just the other day, that dumb fuck Mangini called me up in the middle of the night saying that he was at the Holiday Inn in Gulfport and asking me if I wanted to tie one off with him and little Brett Lorenzo, Jr… Dude’s crazy, btw — glug glug glug glug, slurp, aah! — but that’s another story altogether.
No, indeed, this story is about me, Brett Lorenzo, Sr and the story is as follows: I, Brett am a FUN dude, and fun dudes don’t unretire, they FUNretire!
[Brett Lorenzo “Captain Touchdown” Favre]