Wes Welker vs Frodo Baggins: the Committee for Who Wins Returns

Glad we’re done with all those World Cup power ranking columns. Booo-Riiiing! Are we wrong? Sure, we were head over heads in love with that particular — what was it again? riiiiight — international ’soccer’ competition while it was happening but some two weeks removed, we couldn’t tell a corner-kick from a kick in the groin. C’est la vie, or for that matter, however they say ‘kick in the groin’ in Paris…don’t worry Landon, we’ll always have Alergia…

Back to America; the U-S-OF-EFFING-A, wooohooo!

And you know what’s just around the corner now? Football. That’s right, FOOTBALL. You know the proper kind, not the kind where you use your feet, but the one where you pick up the ball and run until another 300+lb man pummels you into submission. Shazam!

Today’s Battle Royale concerns one such a man: Mr. Wes Welker, who any true American football fan will tell you, is perhaps better than anyone alive at being pummeled by 300+lb man while holding a football. His contender is best known to geeks, dorks, and 5th-level wizards worldwide as the Ring Bearer of the Shire: Frodo Baggins.

So, with a roll of the 20-sided die, let’s begin!

Round one: Wes Welker led the NFL in receptions in 2009, despite essentially missing the last game of the season with an ACL tear, and two previous games in weeks 2 & 3 with an unrelated knee issue. Frodo Baggins led the fellowship into the shadow of Mordor in the winter/spring of 3019 (of the 3rd Age of Middle Earth) while carrying the Ring of Power.

Winner: Wes Welker

Round two: Frodo Baggins is a hobbit. Hobbits are said to be about half the height of a man, that is, somewhere between two and four feet, and Frodo is described in the books of the great chronicler, JRR Tolkien, as of average height and appearance for a hobbit. Conversely, Wes Welker is a wide receiver. Great wide receivers are usually between six and ten feet in height, towering far above cornerbacks and other defensive nuisances. Wes Welker is 5′8” (supposedly).

Winner: Wes Welker

Round three: Wes Welker has a princely friend named “Tom Brady”. Tom Brady is one of the most decorated quarterbacks (see also: great warriors) in NFL history, and his name means “I won three effing championships and broke every record like, ever in 2007, what did you ever do?” in the language of sport. Frodo Baggins has a princely friend named Aragorn, who’s name means he’s the “once and future king” of the divided realm of Gondor.

Winner: Wes Welker

Round four: Frodo Baggins doesn’t wear shoes. Wes Welker doesn’t wear a knee brace even though he’s just four months removed from ACL/MCL reconstructive surgery.

Winner: Wes Welker

Round five: Wes Welker has a mentor in the form of a dark sorcerer with the unlikely name “Bill Belichick”. Bill Belichick can be found most Sunday afternoons stalking the sidelines of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA aided by his wizard’s cloak magic athletic hoodie and lucky Motorola headset. Frodo Baggins has a mentor in the form of great wizard with the unlikely name “Gandalf the Grey/White”. Gandalf can be found most days riding aloft his trusty steed Shadowfax, aided only by his wizard’s staff.

Winner: Frodo Baggins

Round six: Frodo Baggins has a loyal sidekick named Samwise Gamgee who looks up to him and would surely lay down in front of a Nazgul — if necessary — to safeguard Frodo’s life. Wes Welker has a loyal sidekick named Julian Edelman who looks up to him and would surely lay down in front of the team bus — if necessary — to safeguard Wes’ reconstructed knee.

To find out who wins, check out the rest of this article here.

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