The 2010 Miami Heat v Space Jam: the ‘Committee for Who Wins’ Decides

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This week, that whole World Cup fiasco well over, TCFWW is taking on the most-talked about sports subject in these here United States: whether or not the new-look Miami Heat could take on the crew from the beloved sports-meets-Warner Cartoons epic, Space Jam.

Round 1: We KNOW that LeBron didn’t need the money when he signed with the Heat and accepted far fewer $$$ than he was due to make had he stayed on in the Land o’ Cleve on the shores of Lake Depressingweather. Nah, he wanted South Beach, baby[!] And he got it–if at the price of having his soul his public image take a huge hit. On the other hand, there’s a fairly credible rumor that Jordan agreed to do Space Jam mostly because Gatorade ads alone couldn’t get bail him out of his mid-90s gambling debts. Swish!

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 2: Space Jam features genuine aliens playing basketball like pros. On the other hand, no one has ever seen Chris Bosh and The Predator in the same place at the same time. Just saying…

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 3: If not for Jordan, Bugs Bunny, and their aw-shucks team of motley ballplayers, the alien menace in Space Jam would have stolen all of the talent and joy in the NBA. The 2010 Miami Heat have stolen all of the talent and joy in the NBA.

Winner: Space Jam

Round 4: RE: Space Jam, the Villains were known as the “Monstars” due to their talent (see above, i.e. stolen) and enormous statures. RE: the Miami Heat, the Villains are known as “the Miami Heat.”

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 5: Space Jam’s star, with lead billing, was Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan single-handidly inspired a generation of American kids to grow up with aspirations of one-day becoming narcissistic athletic Superstars who drink Gatorade and wear Nike Air hightops. LeBron James is a narcissistic, athletic MEGASTAR who drinks Gatorade and wears Nike Air hightops.

Winner: Space Jam

Round 6: The 2010 Miami Heat are led by their inspirational captain, Dwayne Wade. Wade’s signature move is being EFFING Dwayne Wade ( see also: effing awesome). The Space Jam Tune Squad is led by inspirational captain “Bugs” Bunny. Bugs’ signature move is playing out ageless racial stereotypes in classic Looney Tunes sketches from the “golden age” of racist animation.

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 7: The coach of the 2010 Miami Heat is Pat Riley, and Pat Riley has 5 rings. The Monstars come from somewheres beyond Jupiter and Saturn. Saturn has hundreds of rings alone.

Winner: Space Jam

Round 8: In Space Jam, The Monstars come from an extraterrestrial Theme Park named “Moron Mountain.” In the case of the 2010 Miami Heat, 2/3’s of the new ‘big 3′ come by way of Ohio and Ontario, two locales playfully known to most Americans as “Where“?

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 9: LeBron is such a cultural dynamo that he is known by his first name alone; that is, when not being referred to as “King James.” Jordan is such a cultural legend that — to this day — we refer to him by his last name alone; that is, when we aren’t referring to him as “the greatest basketball player who has ever fucking lived.”

Winner: Space Jam

Round 10: Despite the fact that Jordan and Bugs Bunny were the leading talents on the Tune Squad’s roster, they found themselves often playing second-fiddle to the vivacious Lola Bunny. Despite the fact that Chris Bosh and LeBron gave up more money to sign in Miami, they are still going to spend the best parts of their career playing second-and-third fiddles to Dwayne Wade.

Winner: Space Jam

Round 11: When we think of “space”, the first thing we think of is William Shatner blasting through galaxies at the speed of light. When we think of South Beach, we think of Gene Hackman escaping from a gay nightclub in drag. Ew.

Winner: Space Jam

Final Round!: The story of Space Jam ends with Michael Jordan returning to Earth with a heroe’s welcome. He brings back to his friends their “missing talent” and is once more welcomed back into the ranks of the NBA pros to resume his place as “His Airness” for all eternity. Everybody Wins! The End. The story of the 2010 Miami Heat ends with the Heat losing to the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference [Semi]Finals and the Celtics advancing once again to the NBA Finals. The Lakers win again! The End.

Winner: Space Jam/Kobe Bryant

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