2010 World Cup Football [see also: soccer] Power Rankings: The ‘Committee For Who Wins’ decides

above: Thunder! Lightning! & er, More Thunder!

Hey Venuers, how you doing? Still balling? Thought so…

And btw, caught your breath yet? Holy mackerel, ten beers and nigh 36 hours ago, US Soccer made The Venuist entirely forget that the NBA Finals ever happened. Too bad the that Peanuts’ gang of Charlie Brown look-a-likes (see also: Slovenia) couldn’t come along for the ride to the knockout round. They showed real spunk. But then again, we have English friends (‘oh, hey Mags, hows things? England got through as well? Oh, sweet, good to hear…no, I’m totally happy for you guys. You’re the BEST pal) who probably would have renounced citizenship and joined the French Foreign Legion had Team England not gone ahead to the round of 16.

But enough about the US! There’s a whole tournament out there to ensnare in our smug commentary. And since — once again — Venuing Voices is determined to bring you the very best in World Cup-bilking editorial entertainment let’s get back to it. Here be our second 2010 Power Rankings from South Africa. Hope you enjoy:

TOP 5 Impact Performers, week 2ish:

1. Landon Donovan [previous – #1] – Last week we said he’d officially entered sauntered into the gates of Awesometown. Guess Donovan wasn’t about to start putting in some roots. And no, that’s not a divorce crack, it’s because with a single strike of the Julabani into an open Algerian net in the 91st minute of the match of his life: Dude moved into the penthouse suites of the EFFING AMERICAN LEGENDS CLUB, Hall of Fame-burg, Kick-assachusetts, USA.

BONUS: every time a POS American sports fan makes fun of soccer players for being weaklings or soccer itself for being boring we can send him along that YouTube link of the Group C goal and let said POS-ASF WTF-himself into, as Iron Mike would say, Bolivian.

2. The Western Hemisphere – Paraguay, Uruguay, Mexico, the US, and oh yeah, Argentina and that Brazil joint. All advancing — or almost-definitely advancing — to the knock-out stages of the World Cup. In our wake have fallen the likes of Italy, France, and nearly, Germany. And while the Italian and French Football Federations (the two finals contestants from 2006) ship their players’ dog tags and ashes back to their loved ones, one can only wonder just how large the advantage it is for these so-called soccer powers to have their European players playing on European pitches in European stadiums in European cities in Europe.  There, we said it.

BONUS: with Italy out, the 2010 World Cup ’round of 16′, will have approximately 50% the outrageous player flopping as the previous. The other 50% will still be present in the form of Cristiano Ronaldo.

3. The Aussie Socceroos – In week 1, they absorbed the brunt of the German Reichstag-esque assault, evidently softening up the D’land side for the rest of the teams in the tournament. In week 1 & 1/2, they outplayed Ghana to a standstill even though they were down a man for most of the match. In their last game, they went out with their valor, and collective manhood, intact in defeating the Serbs though the possibility of advancement was not in the cards.

BONUS: there’s nothing World Cup-related we like saying more than “Socceroos,” not even “vuvuzela.” No, not even “vuvuzela.”

4. FIFA Referees [previous – #2] – They tried yet again to bury the US with their bogus calls and willful (callous?) indifference. Clearly, they’ve never seen a Michael Bay movie. Uncle Sam moves on, leaving the final score from Group C as: FIFA Refs – 2 ; US Soccer 4

BONUS: it puts a smile on our face just to imagine Clint Dempsey and Jozy Altidore returning to the locker room (they have locker rooms in soccer, right?) and pumping “F*** da Police” as they celebrated their Group C clinching victory over a couple of cool, Bob Bradley-approved, mineral waters.

5.Vuvuzelas: [previous – #3] BZZZZZZZZ…wait! Honestly, we are so used to little bastards at this point that we can’t imagine hosting a competitive event without them. They should be at each and every contested match we see; for the rest of our lives. From every Nathan’s Dog contest to every Little League World Series game to every new Ridley Scott action tableau from this moment forth, the vuvu’s are here to stay.


3 Responses to “2010 World Cup Football [see also: soccer] Power Rankings: The ‘Committee For Who Wins’ decides”
  1. Alex says:

    The states has a good tream regardless. Landon Donovan is a great player. I can see them doing great in a few years. Somehow i lold at the european teams not qualifying, i enjoyed it :D.

  2. trendeg.com says:

    The province of North-West South Africa is located in the western Magaliesberg and offers many things to see and do in tourist destinations such as Rustenburg.
    Rustenburg, which translated literally means “the city from the rest”, is the third oldest city in the former Transvaal Province. The city was chosen as one of the city hosting for World Cup in 2010 and games will be staged at the stadium before 40,000 Royal Bafekong the Rugby World Cup 1995.

  3. soccergirl says:

    The U.S showed us what a good team they are in the world cup and that they will be there for 2014. Landon Donovan has proved he can give brilliant performances in England and be a great at international level too.

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