FIFA Announces That the Result of US v Algeria Already Determined by Refs – AP Reports
[Pretoria, Republic of South Africa]
In the final week of World Cup Group play, many exciting story lines have emerged from among the still-contending national sides. Among perhaps the most exciting of of story lines is that of Group C. Presently, the United States and, sometime world power, England are tied in the middle of the table with 2 points apiece with the US having the important edge in goals scored, 3-1. Tomorrow at 10am (EST), all teams in Group C go into their final match. Table-leading Slovenia (4 points) will take on England with England desperately needing an strong offensive showing to either (a) defeat Slovenia and finish with a total of 5 points, which would almost certainly allow them a pass to the knock-out stage of the tournament, or (b) score a sufficient number of goals in a draw to best the US in any potential goal-differntial scenario should the US side also draw.
Or at least so conventional wisdom held until this afternoon.
Fortunately, England will no longer need to concern itself with an uncertain outcome in the match which pits the United States against Algeria (also at 10am EST). FIFA head Sepp Blatter, speaking on location near Soccer City in Soweto announced this morning that,
“the referees responsible for Group C have gotten together early this morning to discuss all eventualities concerning the final group matches. In an effort to ensure that the matches are carried out fairly, and without rancor — and especially, taking into careful consideration the public controversy which surrounded the final result of the US-Slovenia match, our organization, FIFA, asked that the refs simply come to a consensus now as to the result of the game. As such, the greater opinion amongst our members was that the ideal result would be one by which the US and Algerian sides play to a modest standstill. No more than one goal apiece will be awarded to either team, no matter how many scoring strikes appear to happen on the football [see also: soccer] pitch [see also: field]. Knowing that we have secured a low scoring draw, we can all look forward to seeing whether the English national team can rise to the occasion in their match against lowly, I mean, surprising Slovenia. And I mean, really, the last thing we can have is another row in the press which pits the reputation of our FIFA referees against the interests of a nation. It’s simply too damaging to our reputation, that is, the sport’s reputation. Poor Koman Coulibaly, man, we had to stick him on the first non-stop back to Mali, and then have him killed.
“While we understand that this may disappoint fans of the US side — especially when taking into consideration such American sporting traditions such as declaring definite winners and losers, and their general reluctance to allow qualified sporting officials to determine the outcome of championship contests — but we owe our responsibility to do right by our sport, which is the world’s game, as a whole. Besides, it’s a well documented fact that most US national team supporters will forget about their ever having had a soccer team by, I dunno, like next week anyways. In fact, we — and our partners at ESPN — sincerely doubt that anyone in America not related to Landon Donovan gives a shit about our sport altogether; a truism we intend to put to a test in the likelihood that the US side does not advance to the final rounds of the World Cup tournament.
In response to the above statement, ESPN/ABC released the following statement via their worldwide PR representatives:
The ESPN/ABC sports family remains firmly committed to presenting the very finest in 2010 World Cup coverage. We consider it an honor to cover what is truly the largest, most exciting, and most meaningful spectacle of sports in the world. Even if it is just a fucking soccer tournament.
Added one ESPN executive, who asked to not his name included, “look, if you [the American public] really miss your summer motocross action and interleague baseball games THAT bad, then just like, go to one of our 302 bajillion other ESPN digital channels. Christ, we have a channel that just shows highlights from the previous year’s Westminster Dog Show, and it runs 2-goddamn-4 hours a day, seven days a week. I mean, really people, really.”
Finally, the AP reached out to members of the American and English sides for comment. US midfielder and leader, Landon Donovan [upon being read the statement from FIFA] would say only “you’re effing shitting me, right?” before leaving to quote “tell fucking Altidore and [coach’s son Michael] Bradley before they hear the news from someone else — like, I don’t know, one of you AP dipshits — and flip the fuck out Bruce Wayne style and kill someone with their bare hands.”
And from Team England England midfielder, Frank Lampard, “wait, does this mean we still have to try? Cause it would be kinda awesome — we don’t know if you’ve noticed but we haven’t really been trying so far — if we didn’t have to try. I mean, that mean Italian guy keeps yelling and yelling and yelling at us about ‘playing with heart’ and like, ‘discipline’ and ‘not walking around the pitch and wingeing like a bunch of teenage girls’ but to do that we’d like, have to actuallytry. And let me tell you, if I know one thing about this side, it’s that we REALLY don’t want to try. Like, at all.”
[[This is FAKE AP News story. It’s a satire. No one at the Associated Press even knows that this FAKE STORY exists.]]