2010 World Cup in South Africa v. the All-Valley Karate Tournament (Karate Kid) – the ‘Committee for Who Wins’ Decides

The World Cup South Africa where "gooooooaaaalllll!" evidently is spelled "puuuuuuuuuurrrrrr!"

Above: New Jersey vs Okinawa in the knockout round

Welcome back to Venuing Voices’ Committee for Who Wins.  Here, our team tackles the toughest of debates each week in a 12 round format.  In today’s debate, we pit the 2010 World Cup — currently raging in South Africa — vs the 1984 All-Valley Karate Tournament.

Round one: The World Cup features perennial favorites Brazil, a team known for their canary yellow uniforms, brotherly swagger, and joyful style of play.  The All-Valley Karate Tournament features perennial favorites Kobra Kai Dojo, a team known for their matching, skeleton Halloween costumes, dirt bikes, and merciless fighting style.

Winner: All-Valley Karate Tournament

Round two: The All-Valley Karate Tournament is open to all applicants, brown-belt and above, hailing from the San Fernando Valley, ostensibly from Reseda to Encino.  The World Cup involves all of the planet Earth, including even Denmark and Uruguay.  No shit, Denmark and Uruguay.

Winner: 2010 World Cup in South Africa

Round three: The result of final match of the previous World Cup, held in Germany in 2006, was marred by an atrocious head butt delivered by French Captain, and Golden Boot winner, Zinedine Zidane.  The All-Valley Karate Tournament was nearly marred by the time the badass sansei from Kobria Kai made Johnny sweep Daniel LaRusso’s leg.

Winner: All-Valley Karate Tournament

Round four: Sole accounts of the existence of the All-Valley Karate Tournament are handed down to us via VHS from the films, the Karate Kid, and the Karate Kid Part III.  These valuable spools of information notwithstanding, we would have no record of the exploits of Daniel LaRusso or William “Johnny” Zabka at the hight of their Karate-chopping teen prowesses.  Sole accounts the 2010 World Cup come to us (in America) via live, foreign broadcast television.  And I think I speak for everyone when I say that as Americans, the only foreign media source we’ve ever  really learned to rely on was our trusty, ol’ Samsung VCR with Auto-Rewind.

Winner: All-Valley Karate Tournament

Round five: Some say that South Africa, the country proudly hosting the World Cup and the first-ever African nation to do so, is the real star of the 2010 World Cup.  The nation’s status as host is especially amazing considering that twenty years ago South Africa was still ruled by an apartheid regime; exiled and shunned by the international community.  The All-Valley Karate Tournament inarguably stars the skinny and star-crossed Daniel LaRusso: a fatherless refugee from Newark who not two months before was getting his ass handed to him in parking lots by the very competition he’s going up against.

Winner: All Valley Karate Tournament

Round six: In the 1984 All-Valley Karate Tournament, Daniel LaRusso unleashed the fury of the “Crain Technique,” a flying kicking move thing that CANNOT be defended against.  The 2010 World Cup in South Africa unleashed upon participating players and world audiences the vuvuzela, which — sadly — CANNOT be defended against either.

Winner: 2010 World Cup in South Africa

above: a resplendent Kobra Kai claims yet another tournament victory.

Round seven: The staff of the Voices is willing to get up at the crack of dawn to on a weekend mornings to watch World Cup matches featuring the likes of Serbia, or Gildor, or any of the many assorted Koreas.  On the other hand, we’ve also been known to stay up all night over a six pack watching the Karate Kid on Netflix for the umpteen-million-hundreth time.

Winner: All-Valley Karate Tournament

Round eight: In the All-Valley Karate Tournament a participant gets one point for any contact above the waist. Two points are needed to win a qualifying match, and — it appears — three to win in the semi-finals and on.  In the World Cup, groups of 4 teams apiece play one-another in match play.  If a team wins a match, that team is awarded three points.  If a team loses, they are rewarded with a zero.  If two teams play one-another and neither team shows the least inclination in defeating the opposing squad in the ample time (a mouth-watering 90 whole minutes of regulation play), then the World Cup rules parsimoniously award both teams with a point apiece.  This makes us angry.

Winner: All-Valley Karate Tournament

Round nine: By all accounts, the All-Valley Karate Championships predominately are attended by hoards of young, available blond girls from greater Los Angeles.  Girls who have not only looks, but their father’s money going for them.  The World Cup, by all accounts, is attended by hoards of beer-guzzling, soccer-obsessed, self-described “hooligans” from around the globe who make at least a fortnight of it all the while making colossal soccer-obsessed asses of themselves and their countries of origin, respectively.  Some even where silly hats.

Winner: 2010 World Cup in South Africa

Round ten: The American (see also: US) public is ambivalent at best about both (a) their national “soccer” team, and (b) any competition in which said soccer team competes internationally, as we are in any national team and/or international competition in which Americans (see also: US citizens, stolen Cold-War Era German Rocket Scientists) are not expected to dominate.  On the other hand, all of America — young and old — was captivated by the exploits of the 1984 All-Valley Karate Tournament.

Round eleven: Perhaps the World Cup’s most amazing attribute of the World Cup is the ability which the competition has to pull the whole planet together in witness to a single event, in a way that transcends such international events as even the Olympics, and really, sport itself.  The beauty of the All-Valley Karate Tournament is that it allows you to get back at the bullies on dirt bikes who have been hassling you and blowing up your spot for the first three months of the school year and gifts you with a a replacement father figure in the form of a Japanese-American war vet/expert gardener who also knows what appears to be some form of Okinawa Kung Fu.

Winner: All-Valley Karate Tournament

Goooooooooaaaalllll!

Final Round: In winning the 1984 All-Valley Karate Tournament, Daniel LaRusso was awarded not only the title but also a cool Japanese Karate hankerchief, a neat Karate patch for his Karate Pajamas, a stolen black belt, an antique roadster, and the girl of his dreams.  Upon winning the 2010 World Cup the winning team (cough, Brazil, cough) will be awarded with a trophy which appears to be nothing so much as a brass-plated fudgicle that’s been left in the sun for a good fifteen minutes before being re-frozen and given away to that kid from the neighborhood that nobody likes.

Winner: All-Valley Karate Tournament

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