Mikhail Prokhorov vs. Jay-Z: enter the "Committe for Who Wins" Zone

One owns the [coming soon: Brooklyn] Nets, one owns the hearts of all New Yorkers. Who is to own the heart and soul of Brooklyn, come 2012???

The Committee for Who Wins returns for a special encore appearance this week to adjudicate the case of Mikhail Prokhorov vs. Jay-Z!

Let’s get ready to rumble.

Round one: Mikhail Prokhorov, who’s net worth is estimated to be somewhere in the neighborhood of $18 billion, is considered to be the second wealthiest man in Russia. Jay-Z, who represents the neighborhood of Bed-Stuy (holler), is belovedly considered the “King” of hip-hop.

Winner – Jay-Z

Round two: Jay-Z’s real name is Shawn Corey Carter, but he’ll also answer to: “Jigga”, “Jigga Wha?” and/or “Jigga Who?” Mikhail Prokhorov’s new nickname in NBA circles is “Mutant Russian Mark Cuban” but prefers to be called “Mike.”

Winner – Prokhorov

Round three: The celebrated, national rink of Russia, Prokhorov’s fatherland, is vodka. The celebrated, national drink of Big Pimpin’ is Crystal.

Winner – Jay-Z

Round four: Jay-Z’s personal story echoes that of a classic superhero’s rise. It includes a tale of humble Brooklyn origins, a rise from rags-to-riches, and eventually, a triumphant face-off against the supervillain Dr. Magneto, err, “Nas” for the soul of the city of New York. Prohkorov’s personal story echoes that of a classic Bond villain’s rise. It includes a tale of dodgy Soviet origins, stonewashed denim, and a triumphant deal brokered with the corrupt Russian oligarchy for the control of a then state-run metals mining and smelting corporation.

Winner – Prokhorov

Round 5:

Both enjoy being professionally filmed while making funtimes with yachts (see evidence below):

Funtimes with Mikhail!

vs.
Funtimes with Shawn!

Winner – Prokhorov

A man who wears many hats and towers above mere mortals.

Round 6: Mikhail Prokhorov is just 44 years old and owns 14% of the largest Aluminum manufacturer in the world. Jay-Z is CEO of Rock-a-fella Records and is the proud owner of the 40/40 Club in the Flatiron district.

Winner: Jay-Z

Round 7: Jay-Z is so dope that he successfully made a socially-challenged, narcissistic dope named “Kanye West” an international icon. Prokhorov is so fly, and so damn successful, that the smart money is on the Nets returning to a state of glory not seen since the days of Dr. J.

Winner – Prokhorov

Round 8: Mikhail Prokhorov announced that it is his intention to only attend 10 Nets home games next year due to international scheduling demands. Jay-Z wishes he could get away with only attending 10 Nets games next year due to scheduling demands.

Winner – Prokhorov

Round 9: Jay-Z has spoken often of his rise from party-hard young man to calculating, mature businessman. Prokhorov likes to talk about how he no longer thinks about money and takes off one weekend out of every three for “time to party.”

Winner – Prokhorov

Round 10: When Prokhorov really wants to pimp big, he brings a coterie of 20+ Russian babes with him to destinations such as the French Alps and Riviera. When Jay-Z wants to pimp big he needs simply to “brush [his] shoulders off”.

Winner – Jay-Z

Round 11: Jay-Z is responsible for what is likely the most successful New York City anthem of the last 30+ years, the 2009 single “Empire State of Mind.” Prokhorov likes to giggle and quote from “New York, New York” in 60 Minutes interviews at the non-plussed old men interviewing him.

Winner: Prokhorov

Final Round: Prohkorov likes to brag that he cannot be bothered to keep a girlfriend for long. Jay-Z likes to brag that he’s “got the hottest chick in the game wearing [his] chain.”

Winner – Jay-Z

And the winner is Mikhail Prokorov in a close, 7-5, mixed decision!

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Comments
One Response to “Mikhail Prokhorov vs. Jay-Z: enter the "Committe for Who Wins" Zone”
  1. Jay Z says:

    Jay Z Forever!!

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