Chase Utley v. T1000 = The 'Committee For Who Wins'

Today’s debate in the Committee pits two cold-blooded assassins off against one-another.

In one corner: Philadelphia’s phinest – Chase Ultey; in the other: James Cameron’s finest: T1000

Round 1: Chase Utley is a power-hitting second baseman in an era when second baseman having been putting up eye popping numbers. T1000 is a shape-shifting killer from a future era of quasi-apocalyptic doom.

Winner – T1000

Round 2: T1000 is a robot disguised as a man (specically, the dude who replaced Duchovny on the X-Files). Chase Utley is a baseball robot.

Winner – Chase Utley

Round 3: Chase Utley was a critical member of the 2008 Philadelphia club that won the World Series. T1000 was a critical member of a summer blockbuster cast which made James Cameron enough money to finance Titanic.

Winner- Chase Utley

Round 4: T1000 serial number is 1000. Kinda awesome. Chase Utley’s serial number is .297/.418/.568

Winner – Chase Utley

Round 5: Chase Utley plays for the “Phillies”, a club with who’s nickname is a made-up word derived from the team’s home city. On the other hand, T1000’s actual name is a made up concept from a brainless movie franchise.

Winner – T1000

Round 6: T1000 was brought to Los Angeles in 1991 to hunt down and destroy a young John Conner – the only hope for humanity in the future machine wars. Chase Utley was brought to the NL East in 2003 to kill off the chances that the Mets would ever win another pennant in this lifetime.

Winner – Chase Utley

Round 7: Chase Utley spends god only knows how many hours meticulously sculpting his hair into a photogenic oil slick. T1000 spends countless hours a day transforming out-of and then back-into a scary mf with photogenically slick hair.

Winner – T1000

Round 8: T1000 has no ability to convey any human emotion. Chase Utley has never conveyed any emotion on the field of play.

Winner – T1000

Round 9: Chase Utley’s greatest achievement was hitting like, 30 home runs in the 2009 MLB Postseason. T1000’s greatest achievement was letting his ass get steam rolled by Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Winner: Chase Utley

Round 10: T1000 work uniform is a human body. Chase Utley’s is tasteful pinstripes.

Winner – T1000

Round 10: Chase Utley takes his orders from a folksy old man named “Charlie Fuqua Manuel” (no, really). T1000 takes his marching orders from the man known as “The King of the World” and also, the “Biggest Douche in Hollywood.”

Winner – Chase Utley

Round 11 – T1000 is beloved by geeks, nerds, movie buffs, and sci-fi fans (see also: geeks, nerds, movie buffs) from Red Bank, NJ to the San Diego ComiCon and beyond. Chase Utley is beloved by the people of Philadelphia. In related news, he is perhaps the first beloved sports figure in the history of the City of Philadelphia.

Winner – Chase Utley

Final Round: Considering his contract status, it’s fair to say that Chase Utley is made of money. Considering his onscreen depiction, it is fair to say that T1000 is made of some kind of futuristic goo of awesomeness.

Winner – T1000

RULING: Dead Heat, tie going to Utley.*

see above: the Philadelphia Phurries

*[[Editor’s note: in the rare event of a dead heat, matches are decided by way of a simple matter of chance. Our method: YT Crooks and The Venuist both stand across a ping pong table, each guarding a sawed-off liter of diet coke and armed with a Easter Basket full of Mentos fresh mints. First one to successfully blow up the other’s spot gets to flip a coin and call it while it’s still in the air. YTC called heads for T1000 and it fell tales all the same. After polishing off the remainder of said Mentos, a Voices’ intern was then dispatched via Chinatown bus to delivery to Utley the news of his victory.]]

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