Paul Pierce vs Twitter: "The Committee For Who Wins" back again!

This week at The Committee For Who Wins, we’re hosting a clash of true titans!. In one corner, Boston Celtics captain and all-timer, Paul Pierce. In the other, social networking leviathan, TWITTER!

Round 1 – Paul Pierce’s chief vocation is that of a star performer for the storied Boston Celtics franchise of the National Basketball Association. Twitter’s chief vocation is to performs as a medium for both spreading unfounded rumors about virtually anyone and provides a platform for the mindless, daily musings of the marginally famous…

Winner – Twitter

Round 2 – Twitter’s nemesis is a young, upstart geo-located community and micromessaging mobile service named, after the beloved schoolyard game, Foursquare. Paul Pierce’s nemesis is a young, upstart microblogging community, which performs as a medium for both spreading unfounded rumors about virtually anyone and provides a platform for the mindless, daily musings of the marginally famous, named Twitter.

Winner: Twitter

Round 3 – Paul Pierce’s partner-in-crime is Antoine Walker, a washed-up former NBA star of marginal talent who never took much time to cultivate his professional craft. Twitter’s partner in crime is Ashton Kutcher, a washed up former Fox sitcom star — and Fox is essentially AAA ball for sitcoms — who never took much time to cultivate his professional craft.

Winner: Paul Pierce

Round 4 – Twitter’s historical low point was probably the Fall of 2009 when the service posted losing numbers of users and overall traffic due to the presence of interloping microblog sites which had cut into the company’s former market monopoly and provided would-be Twitter die-hards with a slew of alternative platforms over which to read unfounded rumors about virtually anyone and the mindless, daily musings of the marginally famous persons who use Twitter on a daily/hourly/minute-by-minute basis. Paul Pierce’s personal low point was probably that time back in 2000 he got stabbed like 700 times in a club, stared death in the face, had reconstructive LUNG surgery and then came back to play ball two weeks later and started all 82 games that year for the Celtics.

Winner: Paul Pierce

Round 5 – Paul Pierce’s nickname is “The Truth”. He was given said nickname by no less a figure in his industry than the legendary Shaquille O’Neal. Twitter’s nickname is “that annoying internet thing everyone can’t stop talking to me about.”

Winner: Paul Pierce

Round 6 – Twitter’s greatest achievement was becoming, in a matter of months, the world wide web’s first widely-adopted microblogging platform. Paul Pierce’s greatest achievement was winning the fucking 2008 NBA Finals and being named MVP of said finals.

Winner: Paul Pierce

Round 7 – As captain of the Boston Celtics, Paul Pierce’s archrival is Kobe Bryant, captain of the Los Angeles Lakers. Twitter’s archrival is English syntax and English’s 1000 years of accrued linguistic heritage.

Winner: Twitter

Round 8 – Twitter is often negatively protrayed in the press as a stupid waste of time that appeals mostly to teenage girls. Paul Pierce is often negatively portrayed in the press as a foul-seeking whiner who plays basketball like a teenage girl.

Winner: Twitter

Paul Pierce (see: above) courageously flops to the floor as a proud KG looks on...

Round 9 – Despite his athletic achievements, both individual and with his team, the Celtics, Paul Pierce has often operated in the shadow of the more-popular Boston Red Sox (baseball) and New England Patriots (football). Despite Twitter’s apparent ubiquity, the service is often spoken of as an afterthought or add-on the even more culturally pervasive social network known as “Facebook.”

Winner: Twitter

Round 10 – Twitter is known for offering a versatile package of personalized backdrops, mobile options (e.g. “hey, I can like Tweet by text — totes awesome, bro!”), and brokering unique dialogues between noteworthy and the ordinary voices of the internet. Paul Pierce is known for his versatile ability to score from virtually any offensive postion or alignment, and for shutting LeBron’s ass down defensively in the playoffs.

Winner: Paul Pierce

Round 11 – Paul Pierce’s hometown of Inglewood, California just happens to the former home of the Los Angeles Lakers. Pierce grew up as a die-hard Lakers fan down the block from the Forum. Twitter’s hometown is the Internets — a series of tubes — which can be found virtually everywhere.

Winner: Paul Pierce

Final Round – Even though Twitter has become the absolute dominant name in microblogging, it still hasn’t been able to translate its massive success into steady profits. Even though Paul Pierce’s career achievements put him on par with any of the Celtics all-time greats and have almost definitely assured him a place in the NBA Hall of Fame one day, he still has not ever gotten over having fallen all the way to the 10th pick in the 1998 NBA draft.

Winner: Paul Pierce

Winner, in a split decision, 7-5 (on rounds): Paul Pierce

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