Offseason Blues: Drugs, Prostitutes, and YouTube

Feature Story:
Houston Texans’ linebacker Brian Cushing, recepient of the Defensive Rookie of the Year Award (twice now since they had to conduct a revote), has been suspended for the first four games of the season following a drug-test that came back positive for HCG, a performance enhancing drug. Cushing attempted to appeal the decision claiming that he has never injected anything into his body. The appeal was denied, for in the Land of Goodell all are guilty. However, if Cushing is being truthful and has in fact never taken HCG, then the likely alternative is that he has testicular cancer…and damn won’t the NFL feel like a bunch of assholes if they suspend him for that. In related news, Lance Armstrong is still awesome.

NutriSystem Drops Taylor:
NutriSystem Inc. announced that it has dropped Lawrence Taylor as its spokesperson. These are truly dark days. When an athlete can’t rely on his corporate sponsor, who can he rely on?

YouTube Phenom to Play for Browns:
The Cleveland Browns just picked up Joel Reinders, a giant from the wintry northlands of Canada. Reinders is looking to be part of the team’s Offensive Line (he plays OT). He has played only eight games, all of them in college, and was previously a hockey and basketball player. So where did the Browns find Reinders? Apparently they have their scouts trolling YouTube for potential prospects and stumbled across a video of him somewhere. If Reinders works out for the Browns, his success could change the entire face of football as we know it. Players could just make YouTube videos showing off their skills, and scouts could just review those to pick their team’s prospects. The Draft would be completely sunk. This is the Golden Age of Technology, and I think the Browns have taken a bold step into a brave new world. I personally think all teams should recruit in this same fashion. I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.

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