LeBron James vs. Bruce Wayne: 'The Committee for Who Wins' Returns

Dramatic Preamble: in honor of LeBron’s inglorious meltdown in Game 6 of the NBA Eastern Division Semifinals, we at The Committee for Who Wins thought we’d honor him right back with an inglorious meltdown of our own in this Friday’s edition of TCFWW…

Round One:

Bruce Wayne’s alter ego is the “Bat-man”. LeBron’s is “Puppet LeBron.” The only thing better than a puppet is a muppet.

Winner: LeBron James

Round Two:

Bruce Wayne’s nickname is “The Dark Night” because (a) he works under cover of darkness, (b) kicks ass, and (c) is often misrepresented in the media as some kind of amoral rogue. LeBron James’ nickname is “King James” because (a) it comes from the Bible and Americans love all things Bible, (b) he kicks ass, and (c) he is often misrepresented in the media as some kind of messiah-like figure with the ability to lift franchises from ruin simply by flashing his 5k megawatt smile. If you think it sounds as if we are exagerrating we remind you that his original nickname was simply “the chosen one.”

Winner: Bruce Wayne

Round Three:

Bruce Wayne was born and raised in Gotham. With each year, his righteous anger and sense of responsibility rose ever-increasingly as he watched the city continue its inexorable, bloody march into permanent decline. LeBron James was born in raised in the greater Akron/Cleveland area. With each year, as the the greater Akron/Cleveland area slid further into decline and sports heartache (“here’s looking at YOU, ’97 Indians!), LeBron sat around and watched New York Yankees games and dreamed of turning pro by his 12th birthday.

Winner: LeBron (at least he doesn’t have the baggage)

Round Four:

Bruce Wayne is a super-rich superhero who fights crime on behalf of the ordinary citizens of Gotham. LeBron James is a super-rich superhero who fights for triple doubles on behalf of the so-called “Team LeBron”. Team LeBron’s plans may or may not at any given time include the Cleveland Cavaliers of the City of Cleveland.

Winner: Bruce Wayne

Round Five:

Bruce Wayne has a secret evil mentor named “Ra’s al Gul” who lurks in secrecy somewhere in the foothills of the Himalayan Range. LeBron James has a secret evil mentor named John Calipari who lurks in plain sight, courtside at crucial NBA Playoff Games.

Winner: Bruce Wayne.

John Calipari (above photo) has his own minyan of evil disciples which include Derrick Rose and former NBA Defensive Player of the Year, Marcus Camby...

Round Six:

Bruce Wayne’s chief rival is Clark Kent, or “Superman”. CK comes from the equally troubled and much larger — in comparison to Gotham City — urban metropolis of, err, Metropolis and pretty much shows up Batman at every opportunity with his limitless strength, speed, agility, good looks, and ability to fly. LeBron James’ chief contemporary rival is Kobe Bryant. Kobe has four championship rings and the stunning ability to win meaningful playoff series’ with Shaquille O’Neal by his side.

Winner: LeBron James

Round Seven:

Wayne’s biggest career lowpoint was, among several worthy candidates, being framed for the murder of Harvey Dent after losing the love of his life. LeBron’s was quitting on the Cav’s in Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Division Series.

Winner: LeBron James

Round Eight:

Bruce Wayne’s career highlight was probably that time he like, stopped that train from crashing right into Wayne Tower and obliterating Gotham or maybe, like, that time he grabbed that Hong Kong dude right out of that office building and flew up into that moving plane with that ripcord thingy attached to his belt. Well, either one of those two things or the time we stayed up drinking all night listening to Jay-Z and watching our roomate beat the game “Arkam Asylum” in a single go. LeBron’s career highlight was last week, when he was awarded his second consecutive MVP trophy in front of the adoring (Nash!) fans of Cleveland.

Winner: Bruce Wayne

Round Nine:

Bruce Wayne’s most singular nemesis is the “Joker.” The Joker is an unpredictable madman, prone to barking odd parables at his victims prior to executing them, who is best known for his flair for the dramatic. LeBron James’ cheif nemesis is “KG”. KG is an unpredictable madman, prone to barking odd parables at his victims prior to executing them, who is best known for his flair for the dramatic.

Winner: Bruce Wayne

Round Ten:

Bruce Wayne’s partner in crime is an often clueless little boy who goes by the handle “Robin.” Robin is not included in all of Batman’s adventures for these very reasons. LeBron James’ partner in crime is an often clueless little boy who goes by the handle “Mike Brown.” Mike Brown is unlikely to be included in King James’ future adventures.

Winner: LeBron James

Round Eleven:

Bruce Wayne’s biggest supporter and most vital connection out in the world of the “straights” is Commissioner Gordon. LeBron James’ most vital supporter in the world of non-NBA super-duper-stardom is Commissioner Stern. Stern has yet to construct a “#23” signal atop NBA headquarters in New York City but is reported to be working on the matter.

Winner: LeBron James

Final Round:

Bruce Wayne is a Western Cultural Icon on par with Jesus, Captain America, Cap’n Crunch, and the Talking Coolade Pitcher. LeBron James is a Western Cultural Icon on par with Jesus, Captain America, Cap’n Crunch, and the Fourth-quarter Gatorade Bath.

Winner: Bruce Wayne

RULING:

Bruce Wayne takes this week’s competition in a very narrow 7-5 decision. And really, it was closer than that. Thanks for playing and, to all of our friends from Cleveland to Columbus, Ohio: hey, wasn’t it fun while it lasted?

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