The Committee For Who Wins: Joe Mauer vs. Roy Hobbs

Round One:

In real life Roy Hobbs is played by the charismatic American Icon, Robert Redford. In real life, Joe Mauer is played by Minnesota’s own Joe Mauer. Only people in Minnesota find Joe Mauer to be charismatic.

Winner: Roy Hobbs.

Round Two:

Mauer is an elite defensive catcher who hits for both power and average. To say that this package is a “special combination” is to understate the once-in-an-era caliber of a player that Mauer represents. On the other hand, Roy Hobbs can do fucking anything.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

Round Three:

In his spare time — according to Wikipedia — Joe Mauer likes to create “rap music” and groom his sideburns. In his spare time, Roy Hobbs visits speak-easies, gambles, dates fast women, and performs simple magic tricks for senile geezers.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

Round Four:

So far, Mauer’s career lowlights have been missing the first month of the 2009 baseball season with a back injury and failing during the following October to single-handedly save America from the sight of watching Alex Rodriguez win a World Series. (I just threw up a little in my mouth writing that.) Roy Hobbs career lowlights include having his youth being stolen from him after having been shot by a sociopathic baseball groupy on a train and falling for the wrong dame in the midst of his one and only pennant race.

Winner: Joe Mauer

Round Five:

Roy Hobbs once struck out this fictionalized version of Babe Ruth — “Boomer” — on three straight pitches at a folksy fair ground train stop right in front of Robert Duvall and a group of Rockwellian onlookers. Joe Mauer struck out once in his entire High School career.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

Round Six:

Mauer catches for his hometown team, the Minnesota Twins. This is a boyhood dream, even in Minnesota. The Twins are a perennial contender with a strong farm system and excellent coaching. Roy Hobbs plays right field for the New York Knights who are evidently so bad that I have lived in New York City for nearly 10 years and never heard of them. Dude has to do EVERYTHING by himself.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

Round Seven:

Joe Mauer and teammate — and fellow former AL MVP Winner — Justin Morneau are such good pals they used to live together just ’cause. Roy Hobbs best friend in New York is a chubby club house assistant who practically has the words “Aw Shucks” tattoed between his eyes and his baseball cap. Other than that, he trusts no one.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

Round Eight:

Joe Mauer’s career highlights include winning (see above) the 2009 AL MVP award along with the league batting title, the first catcher to do so in like 400 years (see also: ever). Hobbs’ career highlights including hitting a ball like 60 miles in the air during a game in Chicago and breaking the shit out of that clocktower thing and the time he like blew up all of the fucking lights at the Knight’s stadium by like hitting one so hard it blew up all of the others in some kind of like, super-awesome spontaneous chain-reaction thing.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

Round Nine:

Mauer and Hobbs both bat lefthanded. Both hit for power and average. Hobbs’ bat is named “Wonderboy” and it has its own special case. Mauer’s bats have no names and are kept in heap with the rest of the team bats like common citizens.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

Round Ten:

Roy Hobbs is kindly, quick-witted, humble, and reminds me of my father. Joe Mauer reminds me of the kids who I hated so much in Little League that I picked up the guitar so I could play music alongside a more honest variety of arrogant lowlifes.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

Round Eleven:

Hobbs plays in classic flannels, Mauer plays in like that nylon poly-fiber uniform material crap that makes all modern ballplayers look like they are members of a Hardy’s-sponsored Sunday Beer League.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

FINAL ROUND (!!!):

By signing a ten-year deal with the Twins, Joe Mauer will surely bring hope, pride, and inspiration to the ball-loving denizens of St. Paul/Minneapolis for years to come. By virtue of its DVD release and widespread television syndication (here’s looking at you, TNT) Roy Hobbs’ feats of genius in The Natural will surely inspire hope and awe for the people of the world in virtual perpetuity.

Winner: Roy Hobbs

THE COMMITTE FOR WHO WINS DECLARES:

ROY HOBBS IS THE WINNER!!! (11-1 decision)

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