Medvedev to Russia: Win more medals… OR ELSE.

After having some time to think it over, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev came to the conclusion that inventing Olympic medals is cold comfort for faring worse than previous years in said games. The Russians left Vancouver with fifteen medals (three of them gold), coming in 11th place overall against other nations.

Several of Russia’s top sports officials have already resigned, including Russian Olympic Committee Chief Leonid Tyagachev. “I will send you to the gulags!” an oddly jovial Medvedev allegedly joked before saying he was only kidding, but then ominously adding: “No, but seriously, you’re a dead man.” His deputy also resigned because he knew what was good for him. Neither man has been heard from in weeks.

“We must show that we are a capable, hospitable and technologically developed nation,” President Medvedev said. Coupled with the shared sentiment that Russia has lost the luster of its robust Soviet-era sports program leads me to believe the occurrence of my second greatest fear is imminent: a post-Soviet takeover of the United States via the use of robots, or possibly athlete cyborgs. (My greatest fear is killer bees with Zombinol® for venom.)

Medvedev has also ordered an audit of how funds were spent in preparation for the Vancouver Olympics, in order to avoid further embarrassment when the 2014 Winter Games will be held on Russian soil.

Above: Figure skater and silv... errr.. platinum medalist Evgeni Plushenko illustrating the profundity of Russia's dope problem.

During his speech, the President also addressed rehabilitating Russia’s image as Roid Country. In January, the 2006 Russian bronze medalist Alena Sidko tested positive for erythropoetin, a performance enhancer, and was suspended for two years. In 2008, before the opening ceremonies in Beijing, seven Russian athletes were suspended on suspicion of doping. It was so bad the IOC called it systematic.

“We are witnessing a complete collapse of the Russian Olympic Committee, many sports federations are corrupt and the Sports Ministry is helpless,” Medvedev said. “The system of financing sports is corrupt from the top to the bottom.”

Prime Minister Putin was reached for comment, but dismissively waved us off before bench pressing a Lada 1700i and exclaiming “Я силен!”

Artist rendering of a private meeting between President Medvedev and Prime Minister Putin

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