Truest Sports Villain, 2009: …Danica Patrick?

The trickiest and most subtle of all sports villains, Danica Patrick has infiltrated our TV screens and Men’s Interest magazines with her immaculate body and unquestionable charm. Her ongoing stint as the Go Daddy Girl and continued appearances in Maxim, Playboy, etc., have won the hearts and other parts of the male population, and her rise to prominence in a male dominated sport has made her a champion of feminity.

So why is she a villain? Well that’s simple: she’s made people [[see also: us]] care about racing. Until her arrival on the scene I could give two shits about NASCAR or Indy racing, but now everytime I see a tab about her racing performances on internet news I feel compelled to read the story; everytime I see that there is an upcoming story about her on Sports Center I feel compelled to keep watching.

[[Editor’s Note: this is worse than the time I watched amateur golf for an hour and a half just because some uniformed moron told me that Michelle Wie was ‘hot.’ Thank God we all dodged that bullet.]]

Her plan is working people! The most insidious of the of sports supervillains Mrs. Patrick has raised interest in a sport no one should care about outside of the mid-west (or North of Mason-Dixon)…and she looks to be nigh unstoppable.

So congratulations, Danica. You’ve accomplished something no man ever could and have looked great doing it to boot. And due to the simple horrificness of its nature, you’ve earned yourself the top seat in our Villains of ’09.

Honorable Mentions, Truest Sports Villain 2009:

Omar Minaya:
Have you ever made fun of the Mets? If you’re breathing, then I’m guessing the answer is yes, in which case you understand why Mr. Minaya is here in our mentions.

Jane Lynch:
”I’m all about empowerment. I empower my Cheerios to live in a state of constant fear by creating an environment of irrational, random terror.” Nuff said.

Roger Federer:
The first of two robots in our mentions, Federer’s resurgence to take the French Open and win his 14th Grand Slam title (tying Pete Sampras) exemplified his cyborg efficiency and showed why he (it) is the sorta guy (android thingy) we (see: flesh and blood) people love to hate.

Chase Utley, Baseball Robot:
Since ACME Laboratories rolled him out of the shed, Utley has devasted baseball opponents everywhere. His chief weapon and superpower, that slicked back hair.

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  1. […] Truest Sports Villain, 2009 2. Greatest Player of All Time, 2009 3. Most Total Badass/Nutjob 4. Best Playoff and/or Playoff […]



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