Patriots Make Bid for [an Orange] Julius, [Stuffed] Peppers – AP reports

As the greater Boston media likes to constantly remind the people of the United States, the New England Patriots may well have the hardest working staff in the National Football League (or as it’s known our many Southern friends: “Fuuht’bawl”).

Sometimes the long, cold nights, which blend inevitably into dreary, grey, New England Winter mornings take their tolls on Americas (see: least) favorite coaching staff. Voices’ staff sources indicate that this morning, after the dawn of the NFL free agency season, Lord Sith, err, Head Coach Bill Belichick decided to take matters into his own hands to revive his organizational lieutenants.

“That’s it,” Belichick was reported to have screamed across the canons of the Patriot’s Underground Lair, err, Player Development Complex, everybody, up and adam!” Belichick went on to express his opinion that as a franchise, “everyone seems to be dragging ass around [the complex]” and it was time that they just settled on “a plan of action.” Belichick then outlined his plan to totally take the entire staff to the food court at “Patriot Place” Mall in Foxboro where they were all totally going to hit up and munch down on some good eats. Not only that, Belichick explained, he had also “totally ganked [Patriots Owner, Chairman, and CEO Robert] Kraft’s Platinum AMEX” so it was “all on [him], if you know what [he was] sayin’.”

Said Belichick, according to our source’s first hand account: “I think that [an Orange} Julius [and some delicious Uno’s Stuffed] Peppers is exactly what our franchise needs to turn a corner on a dissapointing season and frustrating offseason.”

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