Most Total Sports Badass/Complete Nutjob, 2009: Sean Avery, Plaxico Burress, and more

Winner: Plaxico Burress/WR/frmr NY (football) Giants

In a world of skin-tight rules of sportsmanship, politically correct soundbites and calculated celebrity tweets, we would like to honor the Plaxico Burress for singlehandedly reaffirming our faith in sports humanity.

Now, we can see you’re perplexed (per-Plaxico-ed? tee hee)…well, we can explain.

For starters how effing boring is it when every single sports super star in America is so concerned about the commercial success of their new Nike line or theatre chain (I’m looking at you MJ/Magic/LeBron) that they turn on their backs to the small pleasures in life? Small pleasures such as packing a loaded and cocked machine of death into the elastic band of athletic trousers. Pleasures such as careening through the streets of New York City in the dead of the night, bleeding profusely from a self-inflicted wound, towards the asylum of St. Something’s Hospital to get stitched up under a cloud of secrecy? Pleasures such as guilelessly attempting to cover said activity up even though one is a multimillion-dollar professional athlete and one of the brightest stars of one of the biggest franchises in the biggest sports market in the world? That’s right, a world without sportsmen such as Plax is a world which would be pretty effing boring.

Other Honorable Mentions

Sean Avery/F/NY Rangers: Because sometimes there’s nothing more satisfying than watching an obnoxious loud mouth get into the heads of some of the world’s premier athletes.

Delonte West/G/Cleveland Cavaliers Because he seems like the guy your kid sister would be happy to bring home to you and Mom, once you get passed the imitation Russian Prison tattoos and the fact that he lugs around an arsenal of semi-automatic weapons and surface-to-air missiles in the trunk of his wip.

John Locke/Crash Survivor/ABC’s Lost Because he’s half smoke, half man, and 100% undead wack-job-with-a-machete these days.

Jason Werth/RF/Philadelphia Phillies Because even though we have no evidence whatsoever of him being a weirdo, his facial hair begs us to think otherwise.

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