Red Sox Mike Lowell: newly 'Lost'? – AP Reports

After having spent several months attempting to ship Mike Lowell to any professional ball club this side of the Nippon Pro League, the Boston Red Sox announced today that they have an agreement in place with the Producers of ABC’s ‘Lost’. In exchange for the undead (see: possessed) body of John Locke the Red Sox brass have agreed to send the former star slugger and 2007 World Series MVP to ABC’s lots in Hawaii immediately join the cast of of the smash-hit, mindfuck, ensemble drama.

Both sides emphatically denied that they were settling for anything less than fair value for a once-stalwart member of their franchise.

Said Red Sox Senior Vice President Ben Cherington, of the Lowell deal:

Let us just start by saying that nobody has more respect for Mike Lowell than the members of the this organization. His contributions are now part of Red Sox lore and we thank him for his help in our having built several championship-caliber clubs, along with the class which he has represented our ball club.

That said, in the interests of the club, we felt it was time for both parties to move on. Mike will now get the opportunity to become one of the faces of another iconic franchise — a franchise with a devoted following which is nearly as maniacal, obsessive and obnoxious as err, ours…

In return, we feel that the undead body of John Locke will be a great addition to our 2010 team. The undead Locke possesses all of the attributes which the Red Sox organization pride ourselves in, such as veteran leadership, resolve, and murderous rage. In that way, we seem him in the same vein as a player like Dustin Pedroia or a Kevin Youkilis. And undead Locke is the kind of guy, who like those guys, who just plays the game the ‘right way.’

Of course, his ability to dissolve himself into a marauding and ostensibly unstoppable pillar of black smoke is also something that has caught our attention over the development of the 2010 season. In short, he’s the perfect fit for the direction we want to move in.

Reports from the ‘Lost’ production team, headed by principals Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, indicate that Lowell’s “salt and pepper, Clooney-esque sex appeal slash charisma” and his “tastefully crafted facial hair” make him not only the perfect fit to take over for the undead Locke as leader of the Lost’s “dark side” but also a prime candidate for a late-season, romantic three-episode story arc with the fictional island’s leading vixen, Kate Austen.

In addition, Cuse confirmed that Lowell will be made captain of the Darma Initiative Beerleague Squad, also known as the “Swans,” where he will wear the number “108” for reasons which Lowell has said “[they] refuse to explain to me.”

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