Evgeni Viktorovich Plushenko IS figure skating!

The previously reported Men’s Figure Skating Pout-A-Thon continues…

There’s an old proverb that has been at the heart of Russian culture: “In Soviet Russia, medal makes you!” And seeing as how the medal makes the man, Evngi Evenge Evgeni Plushinenko Plusn Plushie decided winning Silver in Men’s Figure Skating was not good enough.

Screen capture of Plushie's splash page, with photo of him wearing golden doughnut (i.e. not the prestigious Platinum Medal).

Mostly brushing it off, the President of the International Olympic Committee Jacques Rogge told the LA Times that it was merely an expression of disappointment. “I think he was very disappointed, obviously,” he said, “and some times in disappointment, you express things you wouldn’t express at another time.”

Funny enough, this was the same defense OJ's Dream Team pitched at an early legal meeting, but it was cast aside for the tried-and-true Colonoscopy Defense.

It’s a decidedly different tack than at the Beijing Olympics, when he chastised Jamaica’s Usain Bolt for celebrating his victory before hitting the finish line. (I’ll give the Prez a pass on this one; Canada’s pretty goddamn cold and he was probably in a hurry to get the hell out of Vancouver.) Others are particularly galled that he was presented with a platinum medal on Russian TV, and Russia’s actual President Overlord Prime Minister Vladimir Putin said Plushie’s “silver is worth gold” (an equation that sent gold investors and Jim Cramer into a panic).

I, for one, cannot say I’m shocked by such effrontery. Remember, we are talking about a sport that involves dudes dancing around on ice in lycra to Enya songs. Yes, it’s difficult and takes practice, but so does—I dunno—quilting. You don’t see grandma lobbying the IOC to make quilting an Olympic sport, do you?

No, of course you don’t. Because grandma quilts on in quiet dignity; the same quiet dignity on display when she found out grandpa was screwing around behind her back for eighteen nonconsecutive years of their forty year marriage and wrote one of his mistresses into the will, yet said nothing for the sake of their children.

Winona Ryder, sewing a platinum patch on Plushenko's family heirloom.

Look, if Plushie wants my advice (clearly he does), he should chill the fuck out and see this as a huge marketing opportunity for the next Winter Os. We’re all thinking it, so I’ll just come out and say it: he and Evan Lysacek should team up and sign up for the 2014 pairs figure skating. Sure, it’ll be rocky at first and with the language barrier there will be hilarious misunderstandings—especially when they find out they’re both in love with the same woman—but in the end they learn something about each other… and themselves.

However, just when all seems harmonious, a rival pair in the competition began a scheme to get them out of the competition. Through a series of manipulations and a kidnapping, the rival pair almost succeed, but can’t quite stop the lads from making it to the championship. Plushenko and Lysacek manage to complete their performance, including a death defying original move created by their coach (Craig T. Nelson) and proceed to win the gold medal after all.

(PG-13, running time: 93 minutes)

– H.B.

One Response to “Evgeni Viktorovich Plushenko IS figure skating!”
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  1. […] having some time to think it over, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev came to the conclusion that inventing Olympic medals is cold comfort for faring worse than previous years in said games. The Russians left Vancouver […]

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