Woodwatch: Tiger Texts a Great Big Sadface to America

Hey, girl, hey

In a time when sports fans desperately need something to care about (i.e. that period between the end of the football, the beginning of the baseball season, and that month when basketball and hockey don’t really matter ‘cuz we all pretty much know which teams have a legit chance in the playoffs already), Tiger Woods stood up this morning and gave the sports world a matter of substance to discuss.

Woods made a perfunctory apology for his affairs, which began to come to light on Thanksgiving night when he crashed his car while allegedly being chased out of the house by his wife Elin (who may or may not be a club-swinging Viking), proving that he drives golf balls better than cars.  After the accident, the reason Elin was so furious surfaced like a beached whale, and the multitude of women Tiger has 69-ironed began to emerge from the woodwork.

In his statement Woods said everything one would expect to hear in a fully staged press-conference that didn’t allow for any questions, like how sorry he was for letting everyone down, how much of a disappointment he must be to everyone, how he has been in therapy since December and feels he is starting to make moves in the right direction with his life, and how sorry he is for Elin, her family, and his family that all of this happened (or at least that it got discovered and became so public).

Of note, Woods was very angry about rumors that Elin had abused him in any way or that there was any sort of domestic abuse at all in their family and wanted to set the record straight that that was not at all the case and that people should have the utmost respect for Elin and the way that she has handled herself through all of this (yes, truth).  He was also upset about allegations that he had used performance enhancing drugs and wanted to set the record straight there as well, though what type of “performance enhancers” he was talking about was unclear.

Overshadowing the Olympics, basketball, the upcoming baseball season, the recent Westminster dog show results, and even the currently running WGC-Accenture Match Play Championship in Arizona (which is, like, some golf tournament apparently), Woods’ half-hearted and out-of-necessity apology has dominated sports news since last night, and he didn’t even get around to answering the question all sports fans (or at least golf fans) really care about: which one of them was the best?…natch, I mean, when will he be returning to golf?  He gave no clear date, and simply said that it could be as soon as later this year.

Wait.

Really?

You held your very own press conference to tell me a bunch of things I already knew, or could easily assume, and didn’t answer the one thing that anyone who is following an athlete would care about?!

What the fuck.

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