Rush Limbaugh finally finds sports franchise he can invest in

Suffice it to say, Don Lewis must be unawares of the fact that Lebron is THE MOST EXCITING ATHLETE IN THE WORLD

Some stories involve bizarre sports—like Elephant Polo, Octopush, or hockey—and we laugh because these sports are kinda weird.

This is not a bizarre sport.

It’s basketball.

Other stories we laugh at because, while they’re complete fabrications, they cut right to the bone. For example, Brett Favre (to my knowledge) did not tell Jay “The Jaw” Leno, “You’re my boy!” but it’s funny because they’re both dudes who don’t know when to call it a day.

But this story is not a fabrication. Unless the Augusta Chronicle is pulling a fast one on me, this story is very real. So why the lengthy introduction-cum-disclaimer?

Because I want to make sure you’re seated in a relaxed position, that you take a few deep breaths, and don’t fall out of your chair when I tell you that in the year 2010 A.D. someone is forming an all-white basketball team.

Woody, maintaining he cannot jump, before hustling me out of $50.

Of course, the grand wizard commissioner of the All-American Basketball Alliance (or ABBA) who goes by the name “Don Lewis” or “Moose” (we’re not sure which is his actual birth name) says it’s not racist. “There’s nothing hatred about what we’re doing,” he said to the Augusta Chronicle as he used hatred as an adjective instead of its traditional noun form. “I don’t hate anyone of color. But people of white, American-born citizens are in the minority now. Here’s a league for white players to play fundamental basketball, which they like.”

Now I know what you’re probably thinking. “Jesus, we can’t trust two dudes or to marry each other, but we can trust this inbred piece of shit to vote?”

Or the thought “I thought Pat Robertson was the biggest asshole in America and now I don’t know what to believe anymore” may have crossed your mind. But please, settle down. We have to be fair here, so I’m obligated to reach ABBA for comment.

However, as you can imagine, Don Lewis has no computer and I’m assuming he doesn’t have a telephone, which leaves me shit out of luck all the way here in Boston. Regardless, Massa Lewis is holding his ground as he searches for other cities he can form the all-white league with (as well as noun a few verbs, drink a bit of moonshine, and fuck his sister). Other cities on his list expected to pay him a $10,000 license fee are Albany, Georgia and Chattanooga, Tennessee. I’m not sure if named other cities or doesn’t know how to count.

ANYway… I’m sure he knows this whole thing makes him look monumentally bad, but he maintains this is about about respect and decency:

“Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?” he said. “That’s the culture today, and in a free country we should have the right to move ourselves in a better direction.”

To which I say fair enough, Moosey. You wouldn’t want to offend anybody, now would you?

Hank Baron initiating a friendly pickup game of basketball with Don "Moose" Lewis. (Not shown: Hank Baron grabbing his junk.)

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Comments
2 Responses to “Rush Limbaugh finally finds sports franchise he can invest in”
  1. Garrett says:

    Hahahaha! I knew what it was going to be about as soon as I saw the title!

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