Don’t Mess with Curt Schilling – Snatching defeat from the catcher’s mitt of victory: Hank v. Baron, 2nd Ed.

Currently in talks with 20th Century Fox to star as Bill Buckner in the eponymous biopic.

If you’ve been within twenty feet of a television set or a world wide web, you probably already know the Democratic party in Massachusetts received a mighty spanking last night. In what the national media has dubbed a bastion of liberalism, a Democratic stronghold, “The Athens of the East”, and “That place where I can’t get a goddamn beer after 2am”, the seemingly unthinkable has happened: a Republican has been elected to replace Ted Kennedy in representing Massachusetts in the Senate. How did this epic failure on par with the Yankees’ utter collapse in the 2004 playoffs happen?

Perhaps this had something to do with it (excerpt from The Wall Street Journal):

In a local radio interview Friday, Ms. Coakley dismissed Curt Schilling, the former Red Sox pitcher and supporter of her Republican opponent, Scott Brown, as “another Yankee fan” in the vein of former Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani.

A startled silence hung in the air. Mr. Schilling famously vanquished the Yankees in a 2004 playoff game in which he appeared to bleed into his sock.

“Schilling?” asks the interviewer.

“Yes,” Ms. Coakley replies.

Self-proclaimed Boston bureau chief Hank Baron dishes out his latest theories on electoral success with his favorite sparring partner at Java Jo’s in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts in the latest edition of: Hank v. Baron.

Hank: Dude, hell of a drubbing last night, eh?

Hank: Yeah, but you know what? I totally expected it. I knew the second she went and said Schill was a Yankee fan. It’s happened before.

Hank: Uh… excuse me?

Hank: It’s quite simple- you screw up on sports knowledge in a campaign and you will lose. History proves me correct: 2004, John Kerry’s running against a guy who was on vacation most of the time, razing the English language along the way. But as we know, he lost big time and it all fell apart because—

Hank: (hand to head) Jesus Christ, I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

Hank: —because the sports gaffes wouldn’t stop coming.

Hank: Such as?

Hank: Such as, number one, campaigning in Wisconsin and calling the Green Bay Packers’ home “Lambert Field” instead of Lambeau Field.

Hank: That’s close enough, I think we should give him a pass on that. This sort of thing happens all the time. The campaign trail is long. Even Obama at one point slipped and said something about there being 57 states. And don’t even get me started on Dubya. Dude had a calendar with each of his… erm… “misquotes”.

Hank: That’s different. It wasn’t about sports. Yes, Bush massacred the English language and still managed to come out on top twice. (snapping) Come on, brotha, stay on point here.

Hank: Please don’t snap at me. I hate it when you snap at me like that. It’s obnoxious.

Hank: Okay, fine, sorry.

Hank: Don’t be sorry, just don’t do it again.

Hank: I won’t do it again.

Hank: I don’t believe you, but…

Hank: Listen, Bush was in the dumps until he stopped trading Sammy Sosa so it holds up. Anyway, to get back on point, cheeseheads are hardcore enough to put a fake block of cheese on their head and put up with Brett Favre. You do not want to piss Green Bay off. And whatever, even if you want to dismiss that—

Hank: …and I do…

Hank: —there’s still the matter of the Red Sox, the team that belongs to Kerry’s home state. Did you know what he answered when he was asked who his favorite Sox player was?

Hank: I don’t know. David Caruso.

Hank: That doesn’t even make any sense.

Hank: Your mom doesn’t make any sense.

Hank: (holds head in frustration) You’re really going to do this. Look, he said Eddie Yost, okay?

Hank: (quietly sips on coffee)

Hank: Eddie Yost was never on the Red Sox, ever! You’d think the then-junior senator from Massachusetts would know that. Furthermore, this was the year the Sox won their first World Series title in 80-some-odd years.

Hank: Eighty-six.

Hank: What?

Hank: Before that was 1918, so eighty-six.

Hank: Okay, math boy.

Hank: Just saying.

Hank: Not disagreeing with you.

Hank: I’m just giving you the exact number.

Hank: Fine, eighty-five years.

Hank: I said eighty-six.


Hank: Whoa, easy tiger.

Hank: (deep breaths) Just let me finish here.

Hank: (quietly continues sipping on coffee)

Hank: Lastly, there’s the death knell—also Sox related—when he said he was a big fan of “Manny Ortez”.

Hank: (thinking, looks up, biting on lower lip) Manny Ortez… Manny Ortez… Wait, I know this one. Played for the Mets, yeah?

Hank: What’s your damage, man?! The fucking M… the Mets?! There is no Manny Ortez!

Hank: (furrows brow) I don’t get it.

Hank: (angrily slams fist on table)

Hank: Whoa, come on, man. Blood pressure, remember?

Hank: Dude, the guy conflates Manny Ramirez and David Ortíz—not Ortez—Ortíz who, put together, are like the Jesus Christ of the 2004 Sox.

Hank: I dunno, maybe he was just combining them so it’d be easier to say the one name.

Hank: That’s just dumb, man.

Hank: (shrugs) Your fucking theory is dumb.

Curt Schilling, stumping for John McCain in 2008, giving credence to the accusation that he is indeed "a huge teabagger."

Hank: Proof’s in the pudding, brotha. Coakley calls Schill a Yankee fan—not even a proper ball player!— and she’s (smacks lips) gone-zo in a state that last elected a Republican to office in the mid-70s.

Hank: Dude, I’m going to tell you this right now because we’re friends and because I love you.

Hank: Okay.

Hank: Your connections are specious at best, your theories are not the least bit entertaining, and I’ve picked up the check every time we’ve met up for lunch. It’s your turn to pay, man. I’m hurting. Haven’t gotten paid this week.

Hank: Ah, right, ’cause of the…

Hank: Yeah, the MLK holiday. Payroll’s behind…

Hank: Fuck, I had to work on Monday.

Hank: Me too.

Hank: Life is hard.

Hank: It sure is, buddy. (sip)


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