New England Patriots Grow Bored of “Dynasty,” Decide to Dabble in “Defeat” – AP

Joe Flacco and Tom Brady, before the NFL labeled bear arms as performance enhancers.

The aughts may have been the decade of sports dominance for New England. This decade may be the era of sucking. The Ravens soundly spanked the Patriots this weekend in a game that was actually over in the first quarter (where the score was Ravens: 27, Pats: a very, very round number). Perhaps Pats Nation can take consolation in the fact that a record was set: first home loss since 1978.

I’m not one to point fingers or assign blame, but here’s a list of places one can point a finger and lay blame:

#1: The Patriots allowed a touchdown on the first play.  [[Editors Note: Techinically, electing to kick off to the other team after WINNING THE COIN TOSS AT HOME was the first play of the game, which also sucked.]]

#2: Tom Brady threw 326 interceptions. In this number, I’m including the amount of times these interceptions were replayed in my head, and the three holes I kicked into the wall in my apartment.

#3: My Ravens voodoo doll did not work. I thought I had a lock of Ray Rice’s hair and one of his toenails, but it turns out I was using my Glen Rice doll. (Family friends may want to drive by Mr. Rice’s home to apologize on my behalf and check up on him.)

#4: The NFL’s long-standing rule against weapons on the field. If the Patriots truly wanted to live up to their name, they’d stand by the right to bear arms.

#5: Brady, your magic may be fading. I warned you about preserving your life force and you didn’t listen to me. Those 800 cases of Smart Water lying around your mansion ain’t doing shit for you. Yeah, you’re off getting hitched to supermodels and procreating with them, producing beautiful children that will no doubt be the base models for the androids of tomorrow. Those are all marvelous things, but at what cost?

#6: Coach Belichick, what’s going on here, man? You’re a one-man benchmark for coaching and lately its looked like you’ve got Michael Steele coaching the team. I’ve got a direct line to Don Shula (‘s Steakhouse), and I will call up to get you straightened out. I swear to god I’ll do it.

Not to be confused with Steve Guttenberg's Steak House.

I’ll be pouring a Natty Light on the ground for the rest of the week in honor of the New England Patriots, who fought so poorly and surrendered so readily. Better luck next season, guys, and please get your shit together; or figure out a better way to secretly spy on the other team again without getting caught. The hegemony of New England sports dominance is at stake here. We don’t need another 2007 Bruins.

Sidebar: If you haven’t already done so, check out the first of many podcasts from Tom (a.k.a. “The Venuist”) and Gabe (known alias: “spiralflag”): Guerrilla vs. Beer, episode 1.

You can find it on iTunes by clicking this link: http://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewPodcast?id=349562117 (It may be the only thing right now that’ll make New England smile on this frigid Monday.)

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: