Washington Redskins tire of sucking, hire Mike Shanananahanahan


Dan Snyder: "...Shit."


Dan Snyder had a nightmare the other day, one in which he once again partnered with his father in a business venture. However, instead of selling bus tickets to Philly to see the Capitals, he owned the Washington Redskins team that made it all the way to Super Bowl XLIV and lost after a field goal from the opposing team.

He awoke in a panic and covered in cold sweat, realizing the reality: his 4-12 team didn’t make it to the playoffs this year.


Reportedly, in a heated phone call between now ex-head coach Jim Zorn and Snyder, Zorn demanded a damn good reason why he should be forced to have to hang out at the unemployment line. Said Snyder (allegedly): “Mike won four AFC championships and has three Super Bowl rings. You lost 18 of the last 24 games and have dents in your dick.”

“Oh yeah?” Zorn shot back. “Anyone who’s in the Seattle Seahawks Ring of Honor raise your hand.” (Zorn raised his hand, even though he was on the telephone.)

Anyway, this supposedly went on like this for a while until an exasperated Snyder offered Zorn $2.4 million, a Sharper Image gift card, and a certificate of perfect attendance to GTFO.

Mike Shanahan’s signed on for the next five years for a $35 million price tag. The move is expected to be significantly more successful than that time the Dolphins hired Jimmy Johnson and went all the way to the Super Bowl.

(What? I was watching Ace Ventura that day. That counts.)


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