Hank Baron’s Best 10 of ’10 – Favre, Sox, Cheney, OJ & More!

above: Hank Baron & The Venuist collaborate on their year-end top-ten lists

Boy, we as a people love to list things, don’t we? And now, since the next numerical decade is about to be foisted upon us, more than ever people like to look back at things and events past and rank them in a subjective and sometimes arbitrary fashion.

Fortunately for you, I have more sense than most people. Instead of feeding you some staid Best of 2000-2009 or even a Best of 2009, I will give you my projections—no, my vision—of what the future holds for the world of sports.

Without ado, here is Hank Baron’s Top 10 Best of 2010.

10. Brett Favre retires/unretires/re-retires/has a mental breakdown
Everyone saw that coming. It was even expected. What they didn’t see coming was the sad day he ran onto the field during halftime at a Packers game running plays with invisible linebackers.

Favre, moments before being escorted off the premeses by Lambeau Field security.

9. Elephant Polo makes waves
Weighing their options, the World Elephant Polo Association comes up with a brilliant idea for a new sport guaranteed to catch fire in America: Elephant Water Polo. In the first US game (broadcast by ESPN for Time Warner Cable and FOX Sports for everyone else) an elephant gored two players and one of the younger elephants drowned. Ratings shot through the roof and expansion teams are already set to appear in the 2011 and 2012 seasons.

8. National Lampoon’s Dream Team
Aging NBA stars Michael Jordan, Scottie Pippen, Patrick Ewing, and Larry Bird play themselves in the hilarious send-up of aging NBA stars looking to relive their glory days and upstage a bunch of snotty kids at the local Y. By the end of the film, both the children and the old pros learn something about themselves and each other (with cameos by the Looney Tunes). Rated PG. Running time: 1:34.

7. The XFL makes a comeback
FOX presents their Fall lineup, leading off with the show “Injury Zone”, in which contestants across the country audition to be on the roster for the revived Memphis Maniax team. Simon Cowell hosts.

6. Sports Illustrated staff awakes from drunken stupor
The taps at the SI offices finally run dry, effectively ending a merciless and seemingly unabated orgy of hooched up revelry. To win back unanimous public support and credibility after naming Derek Jeter sportsman of 2009, they run with a popular cover story about what an asshole Jose Canseco is.

And this is the cover they ran with.

5. Dick Cheney becomes new Red Raiders coach
After an exhaustive search, Texas Tech stumbled on the resume of former “Vice” President Richard B. Cheney (his resume is actually an eerie 8 x 10 glossy of himself scowling). Summarily frightened into submission, Cheney pronounced that Leach was a “softie” and vowed not to—no pun intended—”dick around with this standing in a dark shed for three hours shit.” In his first controversial month at the helm he waterboarded the opposing teams’ coaches in order to obtain their playbooks. This may seem like grounds for termination, but Coach Cheney successfully made a case that because of the special dual nature of being a coach he was also part of the administration and couldn’t very well fire himself.

4. Final Tiger Woods mistress comes out of the woodwork
The near-constant tidal wave of women who had sex with Tiger Woods comes to an end on March 23, 2010 as the final mistress comes forward in a hastily arranged press conference in the parking lot of a Perkins restaurant in New Jersey.

3. Red Sox outfielder Mike Cameron traded to the Mets
The question isn’t “Why?” as much as “What took so long?”

2. Michael Wieczorek is born
Michael, as you know, is the man who singlehandedly defeated the San Diego Chargers in the 2019 Super Bowl after a freak flash flood killed the rest of his teammates in mid-game.

1. OJ Simpson: vindicated
Startling evidence in the OJ Simpson double murder case comes to light that—in the court of public opinion—unequivocally proves he isn’t guilty as fuck.

Now able to continue search for the real killer.

Happy new year, ya’ll.

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