Red Sox Trade Lowell to Giants for Barry Bonds’ Abandoned Lay-Z-Boy – AP

Posted by venuist on December 24, 2009 · 3 Comments 

 

Barry Bonds' Lay-Z-Boy, Spanish-leather Sofa Set, top right

 

[[Boston, MA – 12/24/2009]]  In a move arguably without historic precedent, the Boston Red Sox organization today agreed to send Mike Lowell to the San Francisco Giants in exchange for the Lay-Z-Boy brand reclining chair that has been sitting for the previous three seasons, evidently abandoned, in front of Barry Bonds’ former deluxe suite of lockers.  In exchange for Lowell, his expiring contract, and a steel case of $12M cold cash to cover all expenses to be incurred by the Giants while employing the venerable “third basemen,” the Red Sox are to receive said recliner along with any and all contents remaining in Bonds’ lockers.  Sources close to the Giants report this to mean that Boston GM, Theo Epstein will have his pick from among the following inventory:

•  Two sealed, and expired, canisters of Grade AA “Flaxseed Oil;”
• Three unredeemed scripts of prescription-strength acne cream;
• One “bad mother-effer” skull cap;
• Five forgotten Nation League MVP trophies;
• A collection of compromising shots of “that bastard” Jeff Kent.

Sources close to Sox Principal Owner John Henry report that “Dude – I mean Mr. Henry – has had his eye on Bonds’ recliner ever since 2003″ when, evidently Henry “first spotted” the sleek, black, leather recliner complete with duel cupholders – one suitable for a cold beer and the other wider and ideally-sized for a Dunkin’ Donuts travel mug – on Sports Center.

To be fair, it's a damn fine recliner

 

When reached for comment, Lowell, who is 65 “years young” and currently looking forward to lacing up his spikes for what will be his 40th season of professional baseball, expressed confusion.  “You mean, the New York (Baseball) Giants, right?”  Apparently Lowell was unawares that Major League Baseball had expanded westward beyond Kansas City.  He then continued after some stammering and wagging of his jaw, “wait, you’re telling me that San Francisco’s got a professional baseball club?  And Oakland too!? Jeez Louise, this is going to make for some looonng train trips to Chicago this season.”

Concluded Lowell, “at least the Giants don’t have to play the Brooklyn Dodgers 19 times a year anymore.  Those guys are brutal.”

[[This story is satire.  It is a fake news story.  Savvy?]]

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Filed under Boston, Red Sox, Venuing · Tagged with al, american league, Barry Bonds, Bonds, Boston, Boston + Red Sox, Epstein, Giants, Lowell, Mike Lowell, mvp, Red Sox, San Francisco, San Francisco Giants, SF + Giants, Theo Epstein, World Series, World Series MVP