GM Theo Epstein Seduced by the ‘Dark Side’ – AP Reports


Theo Epstein: yes, he sees straight threw you...


In a startling late night development as talks between Jason Bay and the Red Sox are heating back up it is being reported that Red Sox Sr. VP of Baseball Operations  and General Manager Theo Epstein has been seduced by the power of the Dark Side of the Force.

If true, this does not come as an overwelming surprise for many Baseball insiders. “The first hint that Theo might be corrupted by the Dark Side was when he traded Julio Lugo still picking up much of his salary”, said an Red Sox official speaking on condition on anonymity. “But then he wanted to pay Mike Lowell to play in Texas, then with the Lackey and Cameron signings, and now the talks about bringing Bay back… Plus, he cut off [Director of Baseball Information Services] Tom Tippett’s hand with a light saber. Tom was very upset.”

 When reached for comment Dustin Pedroia screamed while looking vaguely like a chipmunk, “That’s not true! That’s impossible!” Pedroia then searched his feelings and found it to be true.

Word of the Bay talks heating up came after Epstein allegedly waved his hand in his and [agent] Joe Urbon’s face saying, “The Mets are not the team you want to play for.” Bay and Urbon in unison replied “The Mets are not the team we want to play for”.

How this will play out in Boston’s front office is still unclear. The only staff member willing to comment publicly about the alleged corruption of Epstein is stat guru and Senior Advisor for Baseball Bill James. “mmmmm, sad it is”, said James. “A GM’s strength flows through the force, but beware of spending too much on free agents, quicker, more seductive. But once you walk down its dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny”. James then giggled to himself while making a foul smelling stew.

Bill James, father of the "Dagoba System" of player rankings.


The only Red Sox reached that did not seem to be discouraged by the news of Epstein’s alleged converstion was RHP Josh Beckett. “Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good fastball at your side, kid”, said Beckett who was attending a celebrity golf tournament with 1st/3rd Basemen Kevin Youkilis who was quoted saying, “Haaaaaraaaaaraaaawaaaraaaa”. It is unclear if this was a comment on the Epstein situation or a reaction to hitting his drive deep into the rough.  

While not commenting directly on whether he is a Dark Lord or not Epstein has been quoted as “finding our lack of faith disturbing” shortly before a junior staff writer at Venuist choked to death on nothing.

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