Red Sox trade Lowell to Phillies for Cheesesteak, Condiment to be named later – AP Reports


Mike Lowell gets last laugh, announces plans to collect his last $12M guaranteed regardless of "whether I still have two working, opposable thumbs or not"


[Boston, MA – 12/23/2009] – Red Sox Sources confirm that Mike Lowell has been, at last, shipped to the City of Brotherly Love for a package that finally, in the words of assistant GM Ben Cherington, represents “fair return value for a productive veteran player and clubhouse leader.”

According to the particulars of the trade:

  • Boston will send Lowell to Philadelphia, while agreeing to pay $11.9M of his $12M salary.  According to a source close to the Phillies, while the Red Sox offered to pay Lowell’s entire salary the Phillies management “didn’t want to look like we were a bunch of dumb charity cases.”
  • The Phillies have agreed to send to Boston one extra large Chili Cheesesteak on a 12 inch, toasted “hogie-style” roll along with a condiment – to be chosen by Red Sox management among many choices – to be named later.

The Red Sox have announced their intentions to add the Cheesesteak immediately to their 40 man roster, just in case Gold Glove 1B, 2008  Hank Aaron Award Winner and Perennial MVP Candidate Kevin Youkilis “y’know, gets the munchies.”  

Theo Epstein, the Boston GM, in his own press conference announcing the move referred to the Cheesesteak “with that toasted bun (sic) and condiment included, this is really a 5-tool sandwhich we’re talking about.”

Upon hearing this news, a representative for Phillies star CF Shane Victorino announced that “Shane, is like, totally bummed.  You don’t understand.  He totally had dibs on that foot-long.”

No word yet on what the Phillies intend to do with an aging slugger who’s unlikely to see much field time with his two arthritic – and one surgically repaired – hips and who will be unable to swing a bat until February, if then, due to a severe thumb injury which worsened as a consequence of him ignoring it for approximately 6 weeks this Fall.  Said Phillies Manger Charlie Manuel, “heck, worse comes to worst, he can give [Phillies slugger Ryan] Howard tips on how to grow a more distinguished goatee in 2010.”

[[This story is satire.  It is a fake news story.  K?]]

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