Tiger Woods says HGH "Works like, real good" – AP, Venuist Report

[[Story: From the AP news wire.]]

Above: Tiger Woods in happier times.

Orlando, FL – 12/16/2009 – Tiger Woods admits that at first blush, performance enhancing drugs such as anabolic steroids and human growth hormone (HGH) would seem out of place on a golf green.

The Venuist/phony AP first reported yesterday that Mr. Woods had signed on to professionally endorse Kickassium Pharma Laboratories designer grade HGH. In a press conference today held in Woods’ hometown of Orlando, he answered many questions involving his committment to the brand and what HGH — along with several other pharmaceutical aids — has done for his career.
“Sure,” said Woods, “generally speaking, when you think of ‘roids you think overwhelming physical strength; you think of big scary dudes like Mark McGwire, Sly Stallone, Randy “Hot Rod” Piper, or Janet Reno.  But in reality,  performance enhancing drugs, especially shit like the really hi-test HGH, not only make you stronger, but they also make you fast, agile, and less likely to spend months recovering from each and every annoying injury that the athletic season presents.
“That’s why you see all those wussy Tour de France guys [who are] shooting HGH and calf’s blood and Himalayan Sherpa bone marrow.  Not because they need the thunder, but because it turns them into sheer lightning.”
Woods went on to say that HGH was “instrumental” in helping him regain his titanic form after his “potentially devastating” knee 2008 ACL tear, but that “for years, HGH had helped him manage “nearly every single high and low that his golf career had seen.”
“It’s just a miracle product, bottom line,” Woods concluded.  “I mean, it works like, real, real, real good.”
-AP
BTW – This story is a satire; cleary.  No one at the actual AP even knows this fake story exists.
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