More from LA; Phillies, Red Sox screw Angels reax – AP Reports
Los Angeles, CA: 12/15/2009
Newswire services reported that in a whirlwind of moves yesterday, that the Southern California American League baseball representative, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, were stripped of their pitching ace when the Boston Red Sox, led by the clever tactician, GM Theo Epstein, stole John Lackey from under the noses of their sunburnt, rhinoplastied fans and management.
After the Lackey deal was reported, AP caught up with Angels GM, Tony Reagans on a beach near Balboa Island just after he had returned from catching some truly gnarly waves. Said Reagans of Lackey’s move to Boston, “This, this is a bummer man. Y’know?” Plus, I heard that Toronto had a really, like, super-good pitcher [ace, and former Cy Young Roy Halladay] that we maybe could have traded for, but I guess that didn’t happen.” Then he added, “I dunno, it’s the hollidays man so I’ve just been kicking it with the fam, drinking a little sambuca by night and hitting the surf by day, na’mean?” He then went on to reassure Angels fans by saying that he was “pretty sure” that the “dudes back at Angels HQ — that’s what we call our offices, it sounds all Dragnet and shit, y’know — any way, they told me they were working on signing Godzilla to be our new DH. Which, dude, you gotta admit is pretty gangsta.” Reagans went on to discuss the details of what he understood to be Godzilla’s scouting report. According to the GM, Godzilla was a creature of semi-apocalyptic proportions who was “at least” three hundred feet tall, utterly terrifying, and could “dollars to donuts” hit for both power and average.
Upon learning that a “pitcher dude who was really good for the Indians” — i.e. Cliff Lee, a player which the Angels may have acquired themselves with the right package of prospects going to the Philadelphia Phillies — was sent to the AL West rival, Seattle Mariners as part of the trade which sent Roy Halladay to the Phillies, Reagans released the following press statement:
“Fuck me. My bad, dudes.”
Angels GM publicly expressed shock upon learning that the mythical beast Godzilla that he had hoped would lead his team to another division title was in fact merely a 30-something Japanese ballplayer with arthritic knees who the “effing New York Yankees” were not even willing to overpay for. On the other hand, Reagan noted, “I’m still told he can hit for both power and average.”
BTW – This story is a satire; cleary. No one at the actual AP even knows this fake story exists.