Top 5 Reasons Tiger Woods Sex Scandal is Best Ever: Wood Watch, 2009 cont.

 

Note to Tiger: major championship titles AND explicit drunktexts, they BOTH last forever

 

Here at Venuist – and this goes for EVERYONE – we’ve become uncharacteristically smitten with the Tiger Woods Scandal.  It’s completely engrossing.  We’re practically Tiger’s 12th public affair and we’re coming forward.  Shit, we’ve gone so far as to award Tiger a category of posts.  That’s right, welcome to Venuist, where you can search for articles according sport, league, team, or, TIGER WOODS. 

But seriously, there are reasons for our irrational behavior.  In short, because the Tiger Woods sex scandal, unlike say the: 

  • The John Edwards scandal (too tragic with the wife having cancer and all);
  • The Clinton scandal (boring, besides Bill is/was the more sympathetic figure when compared to Hillary or his GOP persectutors); 
  • The JFK scandals (too badass – !!!  – to be condemned, dude was practically the original Don Draper);
  • The Spitzer scandal (if you thought this one compared, think again, Eliot is probably gonna be elected Comptroller of NY State next year);

In fact, the only sex scandal in our memory that compares for total weirdness was the Mark Sanford Argentine mistress tryst and, honestly, that barely compares with Tiger because there was just one lady (two, if you count his steely wife) and she seemed like a classy broad.  No, nothing compares with Tiger.  Nothing.

Mark Sanford...thought he had it going on...

 

Top Five Reasons the Tiger Woods Sex Scandal is the Best Ever:

  1. His wife is, by any measure, young and improbably hot.  This allows ever man in America to search inside himself and ponder, really?  Like, given the circumstances – namely, let’s say I was I dunno, Tiger Woods, would I fall prey to this myself?  Are we all animals?  And for women, this is the ultimate – forgive the phrase – kick in the balls.  If a young trophy wife (pun –  I mean, let’s see how many trophy wives Tiger can gun for, am I wrong???)  cannot keep her man locked in for the get-go…seems like every other woman in America with dreams of happily marrying a wildly successful athlete can kiss those fantasies goodbye.  
  2. There are so many mistresses to chose from, everyone can have their fave.  I like the original, i.e. the first one we read about: Rachel Uchitel.  Not that I think she’s attractive (and if you haven’t seen her and want an accurate description, I can do no better than to refer you to the picture painted in John Lennon’s “Polytheme Pam”).  No, I like Ms. Uchitel because her story is the most outrageous.  She became a symbol of survivor remorse after 9/11 when her fiance died.  Then she rises to the top of the heap of douchebag NY’s 2000s-era social scene, to the point where she is powerful enough to topple perhaps the most famous man in America not named “Barack.”  For her final act, sources report, she is prepared to ascend to the kind of immortality only Hugh Hefner can provide.
  3. The scandal almost reaffirms Tiger’s single-minded on-course greatness.  We mere humans are so peripheral to his pursuit of championship after championship that we are clearly all – even the women he “loves” – peripheral objects in his golf court path to the clubhouse of immortality.  No, the scandal does not make Tiger MORE HUMAN, it proves that he is not and has never been.
  4. Regarding point # 3, Tiger made NO ATTEMPTS AT ANY POINT to cover his tracks.  Every day, every single day, new and lurid details are released.  One can be assured that one’s mind is blown by even more outrageous material over the course of each new news-cycle.  It’s as if  – and remember, he’s not mortal, so maybe he’s oblivious – that Tiger was not aware that once a message is sent digitally, it – like his Masters’ Cup Victories – is forever.
  5. The scandal came at the perfect point in the year.  From Thanksgiving to Christmas, the world pauses to sing a few tra-la-las and pretend that 30+ million Americans are not un-or-underinsured.  What few news stories pop up this time of year are sure to dominate the aforemention cycle, day after day after day until the next round of incompetent national politicians are sworn in in mid-January.

Anways, those are our top 5.  Feel free to let us know yours.

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