The New England Patriots v. Reproductive Health: Hank v. Baron, 1st Ed.

 

Tom Brady + Stetson + Intact ACL - 2 kids/wife = Mojotastic!

 

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was my first year living in Boston, right off Beacon Street and Park Drive. Everyone approached the prospect of the Patriots winning the Super Bowl with trepidation, since Drew Bledsoe totally biffed it by running into Mo Lewis, thus injuring himself. The hope was well-placed, and everyone (myself included) rushed into Kenmore Square to celebrate. Since we lacked any appropriate unifying slogan, I got a “Yankees Suck” chant going and we openly mocked the impotent Boston University police as they tried to control the situation. New England was spellbound.

Fast-forward a few years and Super Bowls later. What the hell happened? Brady gets injured terribly. The Pats follow up an undefeated regular season with a huge Super Bowl loss. This year’s been marred by questionable calls by Lord Belichick. Is the Pats’ luster gone, shattered like so much lamp on scalp? Or is this simply a lull? To glean further insight, I decided to debate a great, analytical mind with a penchant for pedantry and a love for the sound of his own voice: Hank Baron.

Here is a transcript of the very first Hank v. Baron (unless I run out of ideas, which is entirely possible).

Hank Baron: Hello, Hank.

Hank Baron: Hi Hank. How are you today?

HB: Stomach’s a little funky, but otherwise okay.

HB: Ooh, what happened?

HB: You know what pizza does to me.

HB: I certainly do. I’m feeling it as well, actually.

HB: Anyway, let’s get to it, Hank ol’ boy. The question is, “Is the Pats’ magic gone?”

HB: I say no. To suggest the magic is gone is silly. First off—let’s get this out there—it’s a fuckin’ football team. There are lulls, people are traded, injuries happen, questionable plays backfire. We’re trying to make sense of a bunch of dudes knocking into each other for possession of a peculiarly shaped ball. Hell, they were 18-1 last year and Brady hardly played last season. How does that make any sense?

HB: No, the 18-1 season was the one before last. You do this all the time. But I’m glad you brought up Tom Brady being out for most of the last season, and you know what I think? He knocked up whatshername, Bridget Moynahan. Blammo! ACL tear. Here’s the deal: everything has a shelf life and this extends to the championship team, Belichick’s sanity, and—the big one—Tom Brady’s chi. He just had a kid with Giselle Bündchen, further draining his precious, precious life force that’s key to the Patriots’ success. Once that’s gone, buddy, it’s gone. Just ask dad. Full head of flowing hair, MLB prospects, and then—boom—wife, baby, baldness, day job.

HB: That… is ridiculous.

HB: You know damn well dad had a full head of hair.

HB: Oh no, I know that. I mean all the other stuff. Are you high again? ‘Cause I’m not going through this again.

HB: I’m telling you, it’s connected. This shit happens all the time. This is precisely why Tiger Woods has mistresses in the double digits, man. Dude starts losing a couple games or whatever and he wants to regain his vitality.

HB: You said that never comes back once you lose it.

HB: I didn’t say Tiger Woods was a smart man.

HB: Fair enough. But what of the countless NFL players that have families and are out there taking their hits and winning games?

HB: I don’t know their names.

HB: What? What does that even mean?

HB: I means what it means. I don’t know who they are. My theory is still correct.

HB: Wait. Your theory regarding child-bearing vis-à-vis performance on the field is correct because you can’t name a successful NFL player with offspring?

HB: If you haven’t been in a sexy black and white ad for Smart Water, you’re not a real player.

 

 

The Venuist is not responsible for the content of this ad. But we hear you'll be able to pilot a helicopter like a bastard if you drink this.

 

 

HB: [throws up hands] I don’t even know what to do with that.

HB: Of course you don’t, because you know I’m right.

HB: What the fuck does this have to do with the Pats’ dynasty?

HB: Whoa, take it easy, man. We’re friends here just having a chat. No need to get vulgar.

HB: Shit, sorry man. It’s just that I care so much, y’know?

HB: I know, dude. We all do. That’s why we’re here.

HB: Look, the whole team is more than just Tom Brady, so on its face your argument is stupid. To be placing the hopes and dreams of an entire boozed up Pats Nation on this one guy is a preposterous argument. Like I said, there are so many other factors to consider. It’s a goddamn game! Sometimes the defense just sucks, people are aging, and despite eating it in the Super Bowl the Pats preceded it with an incredible season. They’ll come back.

HB: See, this is where the argument starts veering off and I reject your logic. Brady is part and parcel of the Patriots’ magic. The reason the masses got all excited about this in the first place is because this young untested strapping lad took over for Drew Bledsoe and won us a Super Bowl. The fate of the Pats’ magic rests squarely on his padded shoulders.

HB: I get where you’re going with it, but I still think it’s really stupid.

 

BB: always Mojotastic...

 

HB: Alright, then let me ask you this: Patriots in the Super Bowl this year?

HB: Oh, hell no.

HB: Exactly… Look, I actually have to go. To be continued.

HB: Cool, baby. See you next week for the…?

HB: Yeah, yeah. You know I’d never miss one of our Mario Kart booze-ups. Anyone else coming?

HB: Just you and me again.

HB: Sweet. I’ll bring a few forties.

HB: Bitchin’.

 

"I'm Tom Brady! I'ma gonna win!"

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  1. […] Brady, your magic may be fading. I warned you about preserving your life force and you didn’t listen to me. Those 800 cases of Smart Water lying around your mansion ain’t […]



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