Tiger Woods Speaks Out

 

World's #1 Dad!!!

 

[[The Venuist’s coverage of WoodWatch (TM Pending) continues!  Staff writer and reporter Spiral Flag has obtained the below statement from Mr. Tiger Woods.   Sources confirm that it is Tiger’s latest statement to date regarding his ongoing public relations quagmire.  We give it to you, exclusively, in unedited form.]]

Dear Fans and Loyal Supporters,

Let me start off by reiterating the deep regrets I have for letting my family down, and for the terrible transgressions I’ve committed. The days since my appalling [error 1323 thesaurus.com] have become public knowledge have been the most trying in my life. I realize now that my attempts at maintaining a sane level of privacy are obviously unrealistic, and my status as a public figure bestows upon me an obligation to explain myself to my fans and supporters.

There are details regarding the [error 1323 thesaurus.com] of my past that have yet to come to light, but I now know that it is only a matter of time before they do. And I prefer that you, my public, hear the truth from me, rather than a twisted version of it from the tabloid-frenzied media.

Yes, I have had more [error 1323 thesaurus.com] that have yet to be dug up. And although it shakes my senses of privacy and self-respect to their very core, I now intend to reveal them.

In 2006, I decided to undergo rehabilitation for sex addiction. After many months of failed remedies, my therapist, (who will go unnamed, but has a real foxy librarian vibe when she wears pant suits and puts her hair up) recommended to me a radical treatment under the supervision of a Native American Medicine Man in Arizona.

I traveled under a pseudonym to his facility, and on the plane, I managed to bang a stewardess in one of the restrooms. Her face was “meh,”but she had an ass you could bounce a quarter off of.

Under the counsel of the Medicine Man, it was decided that the purging of my uncontrollable desires would need to come about in a comfortable place, but a place where I could concentrate. A golf course nearby seemed like a natural choice, and I had my people clear the back 9 for my private use the following morning.

I was to meet the Medicine Man at the 10th hole at 8am, and while I breakfasted in the clubhouse beforehand, I was approached by a certain female professional golfer. For obvious reasons, it would be irresponsible for me to reveal her name, but she had on this like pink skirt that like chick golfers always wear. She acted kinda masculine, but her shirt was so tight, her breasts looked like two apples under a bed sheet. She was all, “Oh Tiger, I would love to pick your brain. We should totally play a few holes later.” And I was like, “Yeah, I know a couple holes we can play in.”

I knew she was good to go. We totally did it in an empty sauna.

(Hi five any one?).

At the 10th hole, the Medicine Man didn’t say much at first. He said he needed to observe me as I golfed. I obliged him, and just before I teed off at the 18th hole, he stopped me. I was instructed to sit, legs folded, on the grass. He then handed me a wooden mug with a hot liquid in it. He told me it was peyote tea, and I was about to go on a journey to find my spirit animal, which was the form my soul takes on as it travels with me in the spirit world.

According to ancient concepts of the balance of the two worlds, my spirit animal was without a mate, causing an unsafe shift in my desire for sex in this world. Only by mating with my spirit animal was I to purify my soul and put an end to my [error 1323 thesaurus.com]

above: Tiger, swimming in a sea of regret...

At first it was really weird, like trippy. And I didn’t know if I could do it, but then I was like, “Come on man, you have sex on Ambien all the time. Ain’t no thing.”
I wandered for a while, searching for my spirit animal. I found it in the east bunker on the 18th green. When I saw it was, in fact, actually a tiger, I was like, “Holla,” but then I was like, “Damn, I gotta mate with a tiger.”

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. We have decided that the above [error 1323 thesaurus.com] aren’t to be held against me because, although the stewardess was fully a chick, the golfer, according to this doctor I know, was technically a dude in the eyes of medicine. So they cancel each other out. And with the tiger thing, I was having sex with myself, so that’s cool too.

For years, my lovely wife has told me to go fuck myself, and now finally I understand what she meant. She knows me better than I know myself. And I have promised her I will strive to be the person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.

Yours truly,

Eldrick Tont ”Tiger” Woods

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