Tiger Woods – No Man’s, or Woman’s, Land
Tiger Wood’s wife, depending on who you ask – has either (a) moved out of his home, or (b) purchased herself a “mansion” on a Swedish Island with her “twin” sister. [[see: Evil Twin Sister???]]
This mansion, it is said, will be accessible only by ferry. Ye Gods! That’s right, kids, never mind the Escalade…aren’t we all fascinated to discover what kind of damage Woods can do to a ferry boat as he careens out of harbor with his irate, hot Swedish wife in hot pursuit. Now that’s a headline: “Tiger Woods Crashes Ferry Boat into Fjord.” Of course, the back page lede to that story would HAVE TO be “Woods’ Wife Claims She Was Using Viking Club to Free Husband From Shipwreck.”
For further info, FanHouse.com has an exhaustive library of Tiger Woods Scandal articles. My favorite quote from this recent post:
Chicago Sun-Times columnist Bill Zwecker quotes a Woods source that says: “Elin has been taking a bit of a break, but Tiger and his team are still hopeful she won’t leave permanently.” (my italics)
Top reason why T*V likes this quote? Because it conjures the image, despite all that is happening, that Tiger Woods is surrounded by a cabal of trained professionals akin to an on-course athletic staff. Like, there he is in his living room, surrounded by his caddy and rump crew (perhaps that’s a poor choice of words on my part) of physical trainers, etc and they are all trying to determine, together, the relative pros and cons of Tiger’s wife leaving him at this point:
Caddy: Yo, T-Flex [[editor’s note: that’s Tiger in hip, Caddy-speak]] that foreign shorty of yours ain’t worth the trouble. It’s done, you shanked it good and wide, na’mean?
Athletic Trainer Lackey #1: While he’s right Tiger, you’ll never being able to round back into your peak physical form without your wife’s singular Swedish massage skills.
Caddy: Damn, Son. I forgot about that. My bad.
Tiger: So, Team? What’s the consensus?
Athletic Trainer Lackey #2: Let’s hope she comes back. I mean, best case scenario, she’s is just out on on the town, crying herself through a batch of expensive chocolates and blowing through all of your credit cards while spitefully purchasing herself worthless properties in, I don’t know – (aside to Caddy) where’s property competely worthless these days? – like the North Sea Islands or somewhere in greater Detroit.
Business Manager: (Directly to Tiger) I agree with your Athletic Trainer Lackeys. We should wait and see.
Tiger: Ok. We’ll wait and see. (after a pause) Great job, Team!