NOT Derek Jeter


above pic: NOT Derek Jeter


[[This article’s inspiration comes from here in the AP’s wire report.]]

News Flash!

The Red Sox have gone and signed Marco Scutaro (who’s name sounds suspiciously like a cut of raw tuna; yeah, The Venuist used to work at a Japanese restaurant, so that was me dropping some knowledge).

Hooray.  Our long Red Sox Nation-al crisis has come to an end.  Oh wait, heard this one before.  The following is a list of names, please review:

  1. Alex Gonzalez
  2. Julio Lugo
  3. Alex Gonzalez (the same)
  4. Edgar Renteria
  5. Orlando Cabrera
  6. Nomar Garciparra
  7. and for fun…Pokey Reese

These above mentioned men have a few critical things in common.  One is that none of them will be playing for the 2010 Boston Red Sox.  Secondly, none of them lived up to on on-field expectations (or, in the case of Cabrera, supposedly off-field ones.  No one has ever said what precisely, but dude punched his ticket out of town with some indiscretion, the likes of which only Manny Ramirez would get a pass for…).  Thirdly, none of them are Derek Jeter either (though, oddly, the above combined have exactly one more championship than Derek Jeter in that time span).

In two years time, at the very latest, we will likely be able to contribute Marco Chu-Toro’s name to the above list along with the affable but sadly, built-of-glass Mr. Jed Lowrie (and by that, I mean regular, man-made glass, not whatever specially designed and produced glass the Umpa-Loompas managed to install in the Wonkavator, which – to be fair –  would be awesome and thus not an insult at all if a shortstop/utility infielder was made of that glass).  

We are told that the Red Sox brass have a stud waiting in the wings of the Boston “farm system.”  By this, we mean the 19 year old, and tastefully named, Jose Iglesias – a name which translates roughly into “Joe Church” in American English.  Good thing, because the Red Sox could use a cross between “Joe the Plumber” and Christ himself to plug the gap which into which all of the members of the above fraternity have fallen in careful succession.  

Given the Red Sox brass (see above pic) and their inability to find a suitable, long-term solution at short, reports are that Dustin Pedroia has flown to Buenos Aires and has already taken the first steps towards cloning himself (except one inch taller in every direction)...


Now, were the Red Sox the Tampa Bay (don’t call me “devil”) Rays or the Kansas City (they still have a team there, right?) Royals or the Oakland Moneyballs then “Joe Church” would likely be familiarizing himself with the notoriously fickle Fenway infield right now and getting ready to hit 8th ahead of the 2010 edition of (the decaying carcass of) David Ortiz.

[[Keep an eye out for the Venuist Staff’s upcoming first book: “The Man They Called Papi.”]]

But the Sox are not any of the above squads.  They’ve got a job to do.  They compete in a division with the Yankees, the Rays, and the annoyingly not-lousy-enough Toronto Blue Jays.

 [[Editor’s note: I’m not sure if the Jays are still “Blue” officially or not.  They seem to have excised the modifying adjective in their team moniker from all of their uniforms, hat designs, t shirts, and logos.  It’s weird.  Someday soon T*V is going to post a column which has been a long time in the making called: “Never, Ever Stop Wearing the Uniforms in Which Your Team’s Golden Years Were Celebrated.”  This is a legitimate treatise.  Don’t believe me?  Name me the top three teams in the respective histories MLB, NBA, & NHL and I will hear you say: the Yankees, the Celtics, and the Canadiens (I know it looks off, but that’s how they spell it).  None of those three teams have changed uniforms since God personally sewed them on the day after that first day of rest in Genesis.  So listen “Blue” Jays, if that is your real name: I suggest you get Cito Gaston to go through his massive, Sky Dome-shaped boudoir and fish out the old Olerud/Roberto Alomar duds and get them dry-cleaned and pressed in time for April.  And while you’re at it, no one knows what you’re talking about when you refer to it as the “Rogers Centre.”  It’s the Sky Dome, jackasses.  Seriously, first time I heard the words “Rogers Centre,” I spit out my corn chip.  I thought they’d torn the world’s first retractable Dome Stadium down and moved to some suburb of Toronto named “Rogers”]].

The Jays, looking like they did back when they were champions, and not coincidentally, "Blue"


And so, the rest of the American League should thank the Red Sox for taking the brunt of Yankee aggression year in  and year out.  Next time the Mariners sweep the Yankees at home, they can thank the Sox for taking the Yanks to extra innings in each game of the previous four game series.  In fact, the Sox – no matter what their largesse of their revenue or payroll is  – should get kicked cash from other AL clubs just because the very existence of the Boston Red Sox maintains the very competitive balance of the league.  I am not kidding.  This is not an anti-Yankees rant.  It’s just an assessment of the reality.  The Yanks are going to be, at the least, nearly great every year, and someone has to show them the respect that this affords and make them get their eleventy-billion (thanks Hank for the exact figure!) dollars’ worth out of their club.

This is where Marco “the Sushi” Scutaro, and the rest of failed crop of recent Sox short stops, reenter our picture.  Because there is no margin for error, there’s no room for Joe Christ himself or for any other promising young player to prove himself in the course of a MLB regular season in Boston (see: Hanley Ramirez, safely absconded to LandShark Stadium – another Stadium name I don’t want to talk about).  No, he needs two-three years to prepare.  He’s got to learn: (a) the Sox hitting philosophy which is taught throughout the entire organization along with the other scores of organization-wide fundamentals as well as, (b) what to expect in Boston whenever a thousand and one microphones are shoved into his face every night.  On top of that he’ll need to take time to learn cribbage and acoustic guitar so he can hang out with Pedroia and Wakefield, respectively, before late games, as well as develop his own personal slap-hands-point-to-sky RBI celebration to share with his teammates.  And that’s a lot of work.  Never mind that at 19, there’s no way he can grow goofball facial hair of his very own to fit into a Boston clubhouse that looks increasingly likes its been filled with characters from a midwestern truck-stop and diner.

All this makes laugh thinking of the days when we all used to joke about Jeter and Nomar back in the day  – like they were Bird and Jordan, or Manning and Brady).  We knew Jeter was a baller and a good dude, but I genuinely thought that Nomar had a shot at .400 one day…and I was not alone, not locally or nationally, in thinking this…

So to paraphrase Chris Rock (talking about the old rivalry between Prince and MJ): Let me give you an update – Jeter won.






above pic: NOT the Sky Dome


One Response to “NOT Derek Jeter”
  1. Hank Baron says:

    LandShark Stadium – another Stadium name I don’t want to talk about

    Me neither.

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