Our First “Hartford Whaler” Salute!

 

"Behold; the Glory"

 

Here at Venuist we are working on coming up with a number of innovative, well not really that innovative but hopefully amusing, running features as we prepare to move to our new our site’s new permanent digs.

As you can see, we’ve already welcomed 33Problems and Spiral Flag into our editorial cabal. Soon, Mr. Hank Baron shall also debut.

Regular Features to be coming soon are:

  • “This Week in Ping-Pong!”
  • “Spiral Flag Attempts to Care about Hockey and/or Soccer for a Whole Day”

Today, I unveil our newest feature called: “The Venuist’s Hartford Whaler Salute To…”

“The Venuist’s Hartford Wailer Salute To…” will be an award given out to commemorate an enterprise, person, or idea which has become clear to all to be doomed to eventual failure.

Today’s winner (drrrrrruuuuuummmmmroooolllll)

Tiger Woods’ Dogged Fight to Protect His Personal Privacy From this Point-in-Time Henceforth

Dearest Tiger,

We salute you because though we admire your fight to protect the privacy of yourself, your children, and your wife’s indiscretions with the family three iron, your noble fight is fated to failure.  Never again will you stride from green to clubhouse, nightclub liason to masterbedroom’s shower unmolested and without media scrutiny.  Welcome to the world of 21st Century celebrity, dear, fair Mr. Woods. We hardly knew ye.  But now we are going to know thee very, very, very well.  

Trust us. Dude, you are sooo screwed it’s not even cool.

Just as the majestic, micro-regionally beloved Hartford Whalers proudly skated on manmade pond, long fated to disappear into insolvency, and eventually, vanish altogether, so does, Mr. Woods, your privacy have a Joe Sakic slapshot’s chance-in-hell of surviving the 2009-2010 winter sports season.  

Anywho, see you on the tour this spring, or whenever your pride has recovered (or really, whichever comes first) and till then, bon voyage mon frere.

Sincerely,

Staff of Venuist

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  1. […] “The Hartford Whaler Salute,” to those readers who are uninitiated, is one of Venuist’s most prestigious staff awards.  It is an award given out – at irregular intervals, and only when occasioned –  ”to commemorate an enterprise, person, or idea which has become clear to all to be doomed to eventual failure.”   […]



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