I'm happy for you Derek Jeter, I'ma let you finish, but…

 

Have you seen this boy??

 

Before I begin, you should know I’m aware that being up in arms about this is ridiculous. It’s akin to criticizing Rolling Stone for giving 5/5 stars for terrible records (cough cough Goddess in the Doorway, No Line on the Horizon); you know Rolling Stone hasn’t been a real music magazine for years, yet you get worked up about it anyway. However, it must be said the situation you find yourself in right now is equally ridiculous: a certifiable sports-tard writing about sports with little frame of reference. So buckle your seatbelts, kids: LUDICROUS SPEED.

So the other day I feel the sting of smarmy self-satisfaction and head down to the newsstand to pick up a copy of the New Yorker. It was at said newsstand that I see this—

—and I’m nonplussed. I’m thinking, “what the hell could Derek ‘effing’ Jeter have done this year that was so fantastic to merit Sportsman of the Year?” Bear in mind, the primary criteria for the award is that it is open to all franchises/figures of all sports in the world. Sports Illustrated is calling us — calling you —

a moron.

Let’s look at the last few winners of this award and see how Jeter stacks up.

2006: Dwyane Wade. I actually saw the Heat/Mavericks playoffs and that man carried that team through every single game. Watching him weave around the Mavs was an experience. If he weren’t around, my dad might still be complaining about Shaq not being able to make a foul shot to save his life. Instead, the Heat enjoyed their first championship.

2007: Brett Favre. Taking his Ross Perot I’m In-I’m Out dance out of the picture, you’ve got to hand it to a 40-year-old football player that beat two Dan Marino records in the same season, broke a record for a 90-yard pass, led the Packers to a 13-3 season, and — from what I understand — is still an in-demand player.

2008: Michael-fucking-Phelps. Let me lay it on you: this guy is so money he was able to fly to China, win eight gold medals (setting the record for most gold medals won at one Olympics and most career gold medals), then return to South Carolina on his winged chariot of blood-and-fire to do a few bong hits with his buddies and laugh at us mortals. Frankly, I’m convinced he could cure the economy by peeing on it.

2009: Derek Jeter. Is teammates with this year’s World Series MVP.

Honestly, was his season that remarkable that he should receive an accolade for it? Okay, so he hit a few milestones. Lou Gehrig. Blah blah blah. Big whoop. Everyone’s hitting milestones in baseball these days thanks to these big name players getting their roid on. (Now, I’m not suggesting that Derek Jeter uses performance enhancing substances. If he did, his performance might actually be more impressive.) I would’ve even been alright with the whole New York Yankees getting the award since they had to spend eleventy-billion dollars to get there.

See above: actual footage of baseball-great Lou Gehrig, the original "Iron Man"

I don’t know, perhaps I’m out of line. I still have an axe to grind with Jeter after suffering through that SNL he hosted back in 2001.

Next: A-Rod makes the cover of the 2010 Swimsuit Edition.

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