The “Canyon of Heroes”

According to Wikipedia, the supposed world-leader in unreliable reportage, ‘THE CANYON OF HEROES’ refers to:

“the section of New York City‘s lower Broadway and the Financial District that is the historic location of the city’s ticker-tape parades.”

apollo_parade

See above: actual "heroes"

The CoH has been the scene of historic celebrations such as those commorating the end of of WWII and the Apollo 11 crew’s triumphant homecoming, but mostly, it serves as staging for Yankees victory parades (27 and counting, so I have heard, but I’m not quite sure of the exact figure because only 300,000 New Yorker’s have told me this week and usually I only believe received wisdom from a mob once it’s reached a critical mass of 500k or more).  Anyways, point is, the CoH is New York City’s way of conflating the postseason baseball achievements Yogi “no one goes there anymore because it’s crowded” Berra and the like with those of the men who liberated Europe, or, I dunno, WALKED ON THE FUCKING MOON!!!  

But this isn’t to say they don’t have the rights…and on behalf of my many Yankees’ fan friends I say congrats one more time.  And, dude, I love NYC.  It’s my town. It’s just the casual ironies of everyday living here – which believe, extend far beyond sports – in this city sometimes overwhelm me.  The transformation of “Broadway” into the CoH on behalf of Alex Rodriguez (surely a hero, if there ever once was one) is one such irony.  

cubs-suck-100-yearc-celebrating

Ladies and Gentlemen, these are your Cubs Fans. (This is not a joke, I found this posted on a Cubs fan site).

So here, at Venuist, we got to thinking, the CoH need no longer be alone in the American Sports Lexicon!  The Venuist thus proudly presents the following ideas for the following cities – perhaps one of them is your own! oh, joyous day! – for their own future public sporting celebrations, complete with helpful suggestions on how to conduct your event to your city-specific ‘tee’:

1. Chicago: “The Downtown Loop of Dignity/Despair” – kinda existential, no?  See, in the occasion of a great victory, thousands of Chicagoans would be able to line up along each inch of the downtown El-Train’s perimeter as their victorious team strode on (these would have to be open top obviously) trolley cars above their heads.  This would be awe-inspiring in that, to the ecstatic fan, it would exaggerate the home teams status as victors of titanic proportion.  Why the optional title?  Because in the event of a loss (and let’s face it, if you’re a Bears or Cubs fan, you are more resigned to loss than are those idealistic doctors at Cook County Medical – yes, that was an “ER” reference) the fan and team positions can be easily reversed.  In this scenario, the team has to run laps around the loop with an angry high school coach hounds them with a bullhorn from behind while all the devote fans of said yearly edition of their oft-defeated team crowd the platforms and train tracks above.  From this vantage point, they would be perfectly positioned to rain down all the derision they can upon their non-heroes, whether it be in verbal or physical form.

2. Philadelphia: “The Rocky Road” – the championship team comes home to find that they must wake up at dawn to weight train, shadow box, and prepare for yet another title bout that the oddsmakers are giving them a virtual zero-percent change of winning.  But it’s cool, because as they set out for their morning run to  the Philly Art Museum (we can only assume they wanted to beat the crowds to the new and expanded Dutch Masters Collection, and let me tell you, it’s worth it, ’cause you really have to get up close to see the veritable photo-realism of their revolutionary oil works, I’m telling you) a funny thing happens…in that seemingly every urchin in the city decides to discard his/her morning cheesesteak and to complete the rigorous route to the museum stairs running alongside their hometown champs. This collective action gives praise and provides the hope that their once and future sports heroes will need to fight on.  

Oh, and let’s just be honest and say that the Eagles should win the Super Bowl if only to see Andy Reid run alongside a school of screaming street children!  Oh, Santa, I think T*V knows what he wants for X-Mas! 

3. Los Angeles: “The Sunset Strip of Awesome Awesomeness”  – ‘cuz dude, honestly dude, when Kobe/Manny is on his game man and the Lakers/Dodgers fucking win, it’s like, fucking so totally fucking awesome, dude.  You don’t even know.  It’s that awesome.  Woooo!  

4. Boston: “The ‘Duck-Boat’ Tour Down Charles Street and Into the Charles River” – Actually, this isn’t a proposal.  They actually do this.  The city of Boston (and this basically happens annually in at least one sport) actually honor their sports icons with a trip across town in a dinky tourist fly-trap called a “Duck-Boat” which is – for those uninitiated – a partially submergible open-air tour bus.  You read that right.  It’s an amphibious bus.  So the bus drives around and whichever team won some important title that year parades down from Beacon Hill straight into the (once so filthy you were afraid to breathe the toxic fumes which masqueraded as gentle breezes blowing across the water) river in a fleet of ugly, semi-aquatic, German-engineered, WWII-era craft.  Hooray.  

The only team in town, at times, to have been spared this are the Patriots for – I believe – 2 reasons.  Reason 1, they play in Foxboro which exempts them from whimsical, aquatic ceremonies in the murky waters of estuarial Boston.  Reason 2, it’s too cold and the river is partially frozen.   

HAVLICEK

Boston Sporting Hero of the Celtics Dynasty, featured above, in what can only be called the greatest trading card of all time; both image AND execution. Perfection, almost-literally, personified.

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