This post originally on www.venuing.com/voices

The New York Jets have their own TV show, but maybe the Minnesota Vikings are more deserving. Brett Favre’s annual retirement waffling would likely prove more suspensful and dramatic than Survivor, The Bachelorette, or even MILF Island. The roadtrip adventures of Ryan Longwell, Jared, Allen, and Steve Hutchinson would be far more interesting than anything on The Jersey Shore. And can’t you see Brad Childress with his own MTV style video diary?

But every reality show needs to have its villain, and of course for the Vikings, that would be Sage Rosenfels. Now being accused of spreading the rumors about Favre’s supposed dislike for Coach Childress, Rosenfels would fit perfectly into the role of the sneaky, underhanded, backstabbing teammate. The Iago to Brett Favre’s Othello. The one trying to subvert the efforts of the aging but plucky hero for his own personal gain.

Then, in the end Tavaris Jackson, Favre’s obvious rival for the entire show, would step up and strike down the deceitful Rosenfels allowing Favre to proceed unimpeded to a glorious Super Bowl victory.

Can’t you see it?

I think it would make great television.

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The Minnesota Vikings sent a strike team composed of Steve Hutchinson, Jared Allen, and Ryan Longwell to kidnap Brett Favre and bring him up north for the 2010 campaign.

“Hain’t no way Tavaris Jackson is going to be our starting QB,” said coach Brad Childress. “It just hain’t gon happen. I’d rather have the forty year old geriatric by far. At least he knows how to throw a ball!”

But after the strike team fought their way through Favre’s defense force of Mississippi cheerleader ninjas, the Great One emerged from his mansion and announced that they needn’t resort to further violence, and that he would return to Minnesota. Ryan Longwell cried like a child who had been reunited with a long lost father. Hutchinson and Allen nodded gruffly. Favre was then escorted back to Minnesota with a full military convoy.

Favre has yet to be officially confirmed as the starting quarterback for the Vikings, but it looks like things are moving in that direction. Finally.

“Don’t think for one minute that I haven’t been keeping mental notes of everyone taking shots at me this summer. And I mean everyone.”

This gem of a quote from LeBron(TM)’s Twitter feed has had the Tweet-o-sphere all a flutter. The words are ominous, and the intention behind them vague. I decided to go to the King himself and see if he could provide some clarification.

“You know,” he told me, “I saw that movie Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back last night, and I thought it was really great. Those white boys are funny. And I found the ending really apa…ap prose…uh, inspiring! I’ve found the addresses of every person who ever put up a negative internet post, ever filmed themselves burning a jersey on YouTube, or were ever named Dan Gilbert, and I got me my baseball bat. Now I’m just gonna go out there and set some things straight.”

Well, you heard it hear first. All you LeBron(TM) detractors out there better watch your kneecaps because the King is looking to kick some ass.

This post originally on www.venuing.com/voices

Since Jim Joyce’s tearful apology over a blown call that cost pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game, it’s become trendy in America for officials to apologize for their mistakes. Hell, maybe it would have become trendy for World Cup officials to apologize if Sepp Blatter didn’t have them whisked off in the middle of the night and executed…but that’s another story. Bill Leavy, an NFL official, is the latest in the line of apology makers, telling the Seattle Seahawks this week that he is officially sorry for some botched calls he made during the 2006 Super Bowl between the Seahawks and the Pittsburgh Stealers, calls that may have led directly to the Seahawks losing that game.

“I think I would have liked to have seen more tears, but I guess it’s hard to summon up that kind of emotion after four years,” Seahawks Quarterback Matt Hasselbeck said. “I appreciate the gesture, and I’ll give him a pass on the added theatrics.”

Most other Seahawk players were in Hasselbeck’s camp, but Stealers players weren’t so happy.

“We bribed him fair and square,” said Stealers’ tackle Max Starks. “If he feels so bad about taking the money, he should just retire. We bought that Super Bowl, and we did it well.”

Leavy described the sleepless nights of the last four years in detail at the press conference, the night terrors, constantly waking up screaming, urinating in the bed. It was too much to bear, and so he decided to apologize this weekend at the start of the NFL pre-season, only the second time he’s been to Seattle following the ‘06 Super Bowl (his ban from the city lasted three years and was only lifted after Emperor Holmgren’s departure).

The press and all attendees were very receptive to Leavy’s speech while he was in the room, but as soon as he left that started blasting some One Republic and continued the on-going burning of Stealers jerseys that has not stopped since 2006.

Originally posted at www.venuing.com/voices

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This article originally written by Brett Favre for www.venuing.com/voices.

How y’all doing, Favre here.

NO! It’s pronounced FAR-uvveh. Or you can call me Captain Touchdown, if you must. Or just “yo Brett!” Gotta admit, I kinda partial to “yo Brett” or like, “Your Honor”. Whatever, you get me America, we are straight.

I’d like to use this forum today — that’s the word, right? when you like hijack something for your own purposes in order to blindside people who should be in the know? — to let America, the Vikings organization, and all of the fans in Minnesota know about the decision I’ve made for my future.

First, and I just want to get this out of the way before we get really going here, anyone need a brewski? I got a minifridge of Cold Coors Light right over there, and if anyone wants one, well just let me know cuz I’m gonna grab one myself. No? No takers? How ’bout you over there? Yeah, you – blue shirt – I’m talking to you. Want to tap the rockies with ol’ Brett here? That’s what I thought! Catch. Aw, dude! You didn’t tell me you couldn’t catch. Shit man, you got suds all over your new Wranglers. That’s a party foul. Out of my garage. Right. Now. Blue shirt — get your ass out of my garage. And stay the hell away from my Tahoe on the way out.

Great, now where was I? Oh yeah, so I wanted to take the opportunity today to take this opportunity today to take the opportunity to tell everyone what my plans from the future are. Glug glug glug glug. Damn, that hits the spot. Anyways, I’ve decided NOT to return to the Vikings or the Jets or the Packers or damn, whoever it is I’m supposedly playing for at this point. And while I considered the following options of (a) retiring, (b) joining the CFL as the newest member of the Toronto Argonauts, or (c) retiring, then unretiring, and then joining the CFL as the newest member of the Toronto Argonauts, I’ve glug glug glug glug glug decided not to pursue any of those obvious courses of action.

Instead of returning or retiring and then unreturning or unretiring, I’ve decided that this year, I’m going to be “FUN-retiring!” Fun-retiring is just like retiring or unretiring except that I don’t have to do annoying shit like go to training camp and then play games where I hand the ball off to Adrian Peterson like a dozen times even though I don’t really feel like doing it even when Brad asks me real nice to. And funretiring is different also cuz I get to sit around at home drink some brews in my favorite combo of Wranglers-and-a-World’s Best Dad-t-shirt answering the phone and giving like, whoever it is who’s calling the impression that maybe Captain Touchdown might return for a stretch run to catapult like the fucking Browns or St Louis Rams some other dumbshit team to the Superbowl. Why, just the other day, that dumb fuck Mangini called me up in the middle of the night saying that he was at the Holiday Inn in Gulfport and asking me if I wanted to tie one off with him and little Brett Lorenzo, Jr… Dude’s crazy, btw — glug glug glug glug, slurp, aah! — but that’s another story altogether.

No, indeed, this story is about me, Brett Lorenzo, Sr and the story is as follows: I, Brett am a FUN dude, and fun dudes don’t unretire, they FUNretire!

–Favre OUT!–

[Brett Lorenzo "Captain Touchdown" Favre]

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This post originally contributed to Venuing Voices by Ozzie Guillen at www.venuing.com/voices.  Check back there for original article.

Hey. Hey you! You listen here to me now. Ozzie has lots to say.

Firstily I would like to thank Venuing Voices for giving me forum to speak thoughts close to my heart. Is better than ESPN who only think of Ozzie as clown man for entertain. But there is serious issue of racism in the baseball, and Ozzie wants to talk about.

Is long happening that Major Leagues favor Asian players over Latinos, giving them translator peoples and privileges. Latinos, they say “welcome to Estados Unidos, good luck”. Why is this, I do not know. White peoples can be very hard to understand. I try to ask Senior Selig, but he just say “Ozzie, I’m busy, and stop breaking into my office.”

And more, Major Leagues is not try to stop Latino players from using performance drugs. They tell Asians and white peoples no do, but never Latinos because they no care. Only Ozzie say anything. If not for Ozzie, all Latino players use performance drugs. Then, all have small down there. Is maybe conspiracy like JFK and football? I don’t know.

In finish, Major Leagues always is not helping Latinos and is preference to Asians. Is racism and needs to change. I hope little column here explain things good and help makes progress for future.

Hasta la próxima!

Ozzie

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The Cincinnati Bengals have just added the latest bad boy to their roster. The infamous Terrell “T.O.” Owens will join fellow dark wizards Cedric Benson, Larry Johnson, and Matt Jones on the field for the Bengals’ 2010 campaign. This was all of course orchestrated by in-house genius Carson Palmer. But possibly more interesting than the unfolding of this coming football season for the Bengals will be the reality show drama of the sidelines.

If you haven’t heard, TV stars and now teammates T.O. and Chad Spanish Eighty-Five will be launching an MTV reality show called Wide Receiver Showdown.

For all the details on the Wide Receiver Showdown, check back here.

Glad we’re done with all those World Cup power ranking columns. Booo-Riiiing! Are we wrong? Sure, we were head over heads in love with that particular — what was it again? riiiiight — international ’soccer’ competition while it was happening but some two weeks removed, we couldn’t tell a corner-kick from a kick in the groin. C’est la vie, or for that matter, however they say ‘kick in the groin’ in Paris…don’t worry Landon, we’ll always have Alergia…

Back to America; the U-S-OF-EFFING-A, wooohooo!

And you know what’s just around the corner now? Football. That’s right, FOOTBALL. You know the proper kind, not the kind where you use your feet, but the one where you pick up the ball and run until another 300+lb man pummels you into submission. Shazam!

Today’s Battle Royale concerns one such a man: Mr. Wes Welker, who any true American football fan will tell you, is perhaps better than anyone alive at being pummeled by 300+lb man while holding a football. His contender is best known to geeks, dorks, and 5th-level wizards worldwide as the Ring Bearer of the Shire: Frodo Baggins.

So, with a roll of the 20-sided die, let’s begin!

Round one: Wes Welker led the NFL in receptions in 2009, despite essentially missing the last game of the season with an ACL tear, and two previous games in weeks 2 & 3 with an unrelated knee issue. Frodo Baggins led the fellowship into the shadow of Mordor in the winter/spring of 3019 (of the 3rd Age of Middle Earth) while carrying the Ring of Power.

Winner: Wes Welker

Round two: Frodo Baggins is a hobbit. Hobbits are said to be about half the height of a man, that is, somewhere between two and four feet, and Frodo is described in the books of the great chronicler, JRR Tolkien, as of average height and appearance for a hobbit. Conversely, Wes Welker is a wide receiver. Great wide receivers are usually between six and ten feet in height, towering far above cornerbacks and other defensive nuisances. Wes Welker is 5′8” (supposedly).

Winner: Wes Welker

Round three: Wes Welker has a princely friend named “Tom Brady”. Tom Brady is one of the most decorated quarterbacks (see also: great warriors) in NFL history, and his name means “I won three effing championships and broke every record like, ever in 2007, what did you ever do?” in the language of sport. Frodo Baggins has a princely friend named Aragorn, who’s name means he’s the “once and future king” of the divided realm of Gondor.

Winner: Wes Welker

Round four: Frodo Baggins doesn’t wear shoes. Wes Welker doesn’t wear a knee brace even though he’s just four months removed from ACL/MCL reconstructive surgery.

Winner: Wes Welker

Round five: Wes Welker has a mentor in the form of a dark sorcerer with the unlikely name “Bill Belichick”. Bill Belichick can be found most Sunday afternoons stalking the sidelines of Gillette Stadium in Foxboro, MA aided by his wizard’s cloak magic athletic hoodie and lucky Motorola headset. Frodo Baggins has a mentor in the form of great wizard with the unlikely name “Gandalf the Grey/White”. Gandalf can be found most days riding aloft his trusty steed Shadowfax, aided only by his wizard’s staff.

Winner: Frodo Baggins

Round six: Frodo Baggins has a loyal sidekick named Samwise Gamgee who looks up to him and would surely lay down in front of a Nazgul — if necessary — to safeguard Frodo’s life. Wes Welker has a loyal sidekick named Julian Edelman who looks up to him and would surely lay down in front of the team bus — if necessary — to safeguard Wes’ reconstructed knee.

To find out who wins, check out the rest of this article here.

Yesterday Lou Piniella announced that he will be retiring at the end of the season. The angriest man in baseball will finally walk away from the game, dirt kicking, base throwing and all. He will depart with three championship rings from his managerial days — during which time he headed the Yankees, the Reds, the Mariners, the Rays, and the Cubs — and as the fourteenth winningest manager in MLB history.

Piniella says he wants to spend more time at home, much to the chagrin of his wife who apparently isn’t quite ready to deal with the tantrums full-time. “He can be quite a hand full during the off-season,” she admitted. “The outbursts I can handle, but if he tries to move that sandbox in the basement where he practices his dirt kicking to anywhere else in the house, he’s in for a surprise. And I sure as heck won’t tolerate him throwing bases around the house!”

The Cubs are sad to see Piniella go but are certainly understanding of the situation. Marlon Byrd told reporters that the goat probably got to him. “He gets to everyone,” Byrd said. “You can here him in the stadium, just telling you to give up. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, and I can hear his bah-ing voice. It must take even more of a toll on a manager.”

“You know, people get old, and then they want to stop doing things because they get old,” said Ozzie Guillen, who wasn’t actually asked to comment by anyone but decided to give his two cents anyway. “I’m just glad I don’t get old.”

When asked if he would be doing anything aside from spending time with his family, such as consulting or working in a more senior position, Piniella pulled a base from behind the podium and threw it into the mass of reporters, then ran over and kicked dirt onto the shoes of the reporter who asked him the question. “What am I going to be doing with my time? What am I going to be doing with my time!? Unbelievable!” He then stormed out of the clubhouse.

This post originally on www.venuing.com/voices.

This week, that whole World Cup fiasco well over, TCFWW is taking on the most-talked about sports subject in these here United States: whether or not the new-look Miami Heat could take on the crew from the beloved sports-meets-Warner Cartoons epic, Space Jam.

Round 1: We KNOW that LeBron didn’t need the money when he signed with the Heat and accepted far fewer $$$ than he was due to make had he stayed on in the Land o’ Cleve on the shores of Lake Depressingweather. Nah, he wanted South Beach, baby[!] And he got it–if at the price of having his soul his public image take a huge hit. On the other hand, there’s a fairly credible rumor that Jordan agreed to do Space Jam mostly because Gatorade ads alone couldn’t get bail him out of his mid-90s gambling debts. Swish!

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 2: Space Jam features genuine aliens playing basketball like pros. On the other hand, no one has ever seen Chris Bosh and The Predator in the same place at the same time. Just saying…

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 3: If not for Jordan, Bugs Bunny, and their aw-shucks team of motley ballplayers, the alien menace in Space Jam would have stolen all of the talent and joy in the NBA. The 2010 Miami Heat have stolen all of the talent and joy in the NBA.

Winner: Space Jam

Round 4: RE: Space Jam, the Villains were known as the “Monstars” due to their talent (see above, i.e. stolen) and enormous statures. RE: the Miami Heat, the Villains are known as “the Miami Heat.”

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 5: Space Jam’s star, with lead billing, was Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan single-handidly inspired a generation of American kids to grow up with aspirations of one-day becoming narcissistic athletic Superstars who drink Gatorade and wear Nike Air hightops. LeBron James is a narcissistic, athletic MEGASTAR who drinks Gatorade and wears Nike Air hightops.

Winner: Space Jam

Round 6: The 2010 Miami Heat are led by their inspirational captain, Dwayne Wade. Wade’s signature move is being EFFING Dwayne Wade ( see also: effing awesome). The Space Jam Tune Squad is led by inspirational captain “Bugs” Bunny. Bugs’ signature move is playing out ageless racial stereotypes in classic Looney Tunes sketches from the “golden age” of racist animation.

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 7: The coach of the 2010 Miami Heat is Pat Riley, and Pat Riley has 5 rings. The Monstars come from somewheres beyond Jupiter and Saturn. Saturn has hundreds of rings alone.

Winner: Space Jam

Round 8: In Space Jam, The Monstars come from an extraterrestrial Theme Park named “Moron Mountain.” In the case of the 2010 Miami Heat, 2/3’s of the new ‘big 3′ come by way of Ohio and Ontario, two locales playfully known to most Americans as “Where“?

Winner: 2010 Miami Heat

Round 9: LeBron is such a cultural dynamo that he is known by his first name alone; that is, when not being referred to as “King James.” Jordan is such a cultural legend that — to this day — we refer to him by his last name alone; that is, when we aren’t referring to him as “the greatest basketball player who has ever fucking lived.”

Winner: Space Jam

Round 10: Despite the fact that Jordan and Bugs Bunny were the leading talents on the Tune Squad’s roster, they found themselves often playing second-fiddle to the vivacious Lola Bunny. Despite the fact that Chris Bosh and LeBron gave up more money to sign in Miami, they are still going to spend the best parts of their career playing second-and-third fiddles to Dwayne Wade.

Winner: Space Jam

Round 11: When we think of “space”, the first thing we think of is William Shatner blasting through galaxies at the speed of light. When we think of South Beach, we think of Gene Hackman escaping from a gay nightclub in drag. Ew.

Winner: Space Jam

Final Round!: The story of Space Jam ends with Michael Jordan returning to Earth with a heroe’s welcome. He brings back to his friends their “missing talent” and is once more welcomed back into the ranks of the NBA pros to resume his place as “His Airness” for all eternity. Everybody Wins! The End. The story of the 2010 Miami Heat ends with the Heat losing to the Boston Celtics in the Eastern Conference [Semi]Finals and the Celtics advancing once again to the NBA Finals. The Lakers win again! The End.

Winner: Space Jam/Kobe Bryant

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